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Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #120 on: March 30, 2024, 06:53:53 AM »
What do the Mafia and vaginas have in common?

One careless slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #121 on: March 30, 2024, 12:14:05 PM »
The rest of you mother fuckers are joking for second place, because CCTAU just won this thread with this highly original joke.

This man knows. And he’s not even pre-med…
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #122 on: March 30, 2024, 08:34:44 PM »
I thought about starting a taxi service for the elderly & calling it Oldsmobile.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #123 on: April 01, 2024, 09:28:44 AM »
Ten passengers have called me a terrible bus driver today.

I don't know where these people get off.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #124 on: April 01, 2024, 11:20:25 AM »
I used to like playing chess with old men in the park, but I finally just gave up. 

Do you know how hard it is to find exactly 16 white and 16 black men? 
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

WiregrassTiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #125 on: April 02, 2024, 05:36:55 PM »
I used to like playing chess with old men in the park, but I finally just gave up. 

Do you know how hard it is to find exactly 16 white and 16 black men?
It has taken several pages and a bunch of swings and misses. But, finally. I giggled. Just a tad but still..

Thank u to Kaos for this high level and original humor. At least I assume that’s original thought. Surely you wouldn’t post copyrighted material like some of these losers.


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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #126 on: April 02, 2024, 06:50:28 PM »
It has taken several pages and a bunch of swings and misses. But, finally. I giggled. Just a tad but still..

Thank u to Kaos for this high level and original humor. At least I assume that’s original thought. Surely you wouldn’t post copyrighted material like some of these losers.


Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

War Damn Six

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #127 on: April 02, 2024, 09:28:38 PM »
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 
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“If you're waitin' for a woman to make up her mind, you may have a long wait.” Preacher

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #128 on: April 03, 2024, 09:57:14 AM »
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I told the census taker that no one in my family is left handed.

She said, "All righty then."
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #129 on: April 03, 2024, 10:40:49 AM »
Met a girl at a bar the other night. Took her home and we started fooling around on the couch. After a while she whispered, "do you want to take this to the bedroom?" 

Yeah, no. I don't have space for a couch in there. 
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #130 on: April 03, 2024, 11:15:30 AM »
Met a girl at a bar the other night. Took her home and we started fooling around on the couch. After a while she whispered, "do you want to take this to the bedroom?" 

Yeah, no. I don't have space for a couch in there.


She sounds like an idiot!
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #131 on: April 03, 2024, 11:58:53 AM »
A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said, "5 beers, please".
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #132 on: April 03, 2024, 12:01:26 PM »
Meanwhile, in the Australian Army...

Private, did you come here to die?

No sir, I came here yesterday.
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Members reacted dislike:
CCTAU,
My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #133 on: April 03, 2024, 03:15:12 PM »
I'm starting a club for twins not separated at birth.

Anyone conjoin.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #134 on: April 03, 2024, 03:51:33 PM »
Found concert tickets for sale for 45 cents the other day. The headline consisted of 50 Cent followed by Nickelback.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

War Damn Six

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #135 on: April 03, 2024, 07:40:01 PM »
Found concert tickets for sale for 45 cents the other day. The headline consisted of 50 Cent followed by Nickelback.

You have horrible musical tastes.
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“If you're waitin' for a woman to make up her mind, you may have a long wait.” Preacher

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #136 on: April 03, 2024, 07:52:20 PM »
My friend Raymond said he was going to come over and dig me a big water hole this weekend.


I know he means well.
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #137 on: April 04, 2024, 09:53:09 AM »
I can't find my "Gone In 60 Seconds" DVD.

It was here a minute ago.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #138 on: April 04, 2024, 06:07:04 PM »
My wife started smoking a few days back.

I had to slow down and apply lube to get her to stop.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #139 on: April 05, 2024, 06:12:58 AM »
The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

"Buffalo come," Tonto says.

"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear sticky."
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.