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Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #160 on: April 21, 2024, 11:42:05 AM »
In honor of 420 I rolled a joint yesterday. 

Unfortunately it was my ankle.
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #161 on: April 21, 2024, 06:00:22 PM »
My girlfriend asked if I would put ketchup on the grocery list. 

Now she says she can’t read anything. 
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Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #162 on: April 22, 2024, 10:16:02 AM »
Holy shit, all that for a punch line like that?





I love it.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #163 on: April 26, 2024, 12:27:23 PM »
Justice is a dish best served cold. If served warm it would be justwater.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #164 on: April 26, 2024, 02:30:38 PM »
Nobody wants to listen to Whitesnake with me.

Well, here I go again on my own.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #165 on: April 26, 2024, 04:26:26 PM »
Survived a fall off a 16-foot ladder earlier this week. 

Was only from the first rung, but still. 
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Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #166 on: May 01, 2024, 10:08:41 AM »
Do short people start their stories with, "When I was little", or, "As I am today."?
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #167 on: May 01, 2024, 04:07:33 PM »
How did the butcher introduce his wife?

He said, Meet Patty!
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #168 on: May 01, 2024, 08:47:00 PM »
NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it the Apollo G.
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #169 on: May 04, 2024, 11:36:49 AM »
I got a part time job last week working as a security guard.  The boss told me it wasn't difficult, my main responsibility was watching the office. 

I'm on season eight. Andy is extremely annoying. They should have stopped it when Michael left.
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #170 on: May 04, 2024, 09:30:32 PM »
My good friend bought a horse.
I asked him why did he want a horse.
He said he wanted to race it.
My money is on the horse!
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #171 on: May 07, 2024, 09:34:27 AM »
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.
I was like well, damn.
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Snaggletiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #172 on: May 07, 2024, 02:36:14 PM »
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.
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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.  I asked him why, and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #173 on: May 07, 2024, 02:53:42 PM »
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
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Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

wesfau2

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #174 on: May 08, 2024, 09:19:42 AM »
(best read aloud)
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
and all night it was:
Honor and offer.
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You can keep a wooden stake in your trunk
On the off-chance that the fairy tales ain't bunk
And Imma keep a bottle of that funk
To get motel parking lot, balcony crunk.

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #175 on: May 08, 2024, 10:32:42 AM »
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. 

I don't have an appointment, but I think I'm going to run to the doctor. I hope they can see me.
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If you want free cheese, look in a mousetrap.

Kaos

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #176 on: May 18, 2024, 10:36:35 AM »
I still got it! 

Went to Publix today and the cute little cashier was totally checking me out.
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CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #177 on: May 18, 2024, 09:41:48 PM »
I still got it! 

Went to Publix today and the cute little cashier was totally checking me out.

Well. She’s a he…
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

CCTAU

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #178 on: May 22, 2024, 12:46:43 AM »
Re-electing Biden is like the Titanic backing up and hitting the iceberg again.
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Five statements of WISDOM
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

WiregrassTiger

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Re: Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s
« Reply #179 on: May 22, 2024, 11:34:27 AM »
Re-electing Biden is like the Titanic backing up and hitting the iceberg again.
He was installed, not elected. But I get what you’re saying.

Anyone ridin’ with Biden has deeply seated issues. And it doesn’t make a fuck who is running against him.
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