Fast & Furious (pick a number)
Watched the first film in this franchise many years ago. Remember being overwhelmed by dumb and swearing the rest of them off. Was convinced to watch the last two (or was it three) in the franchise over the weekend because the movies "had gotten much better" and were allegedly "totally bad ass."
Yick. The acting was atrocious. (But do you watch a porn movie for the acting? This is action porn, just enjoy the crazy car chases). The car chases and action was so improbable, impossible and ridiculous that it was a joke. (Stop being so critical! It's just a movie, can't you just think how awesome it would be if people COULD do that?) Oh, you mean leap from a speeding car across a separated bridge, grab somebody in mid-air who was flying from a speeding car toward you, take their momentum in the other direction, land on the windshield of a moving car and not be injured in the least? Not out of breath, not mangled beyond recognition, not even a scratch? Fuck me. That's so stupid I can't watch this. (My GOD, it's just a movie. That was B.A.D.A.S.S. ) No. No it wasn't. That was idiotic. (Fine. Whatever. Shhhhhhhhh.. Paul Walker. He's pretty awesome, and isn't it poignant that he just said "ride or die?" ) Poignant? No. Dumber than a forest full of toothless beavers. The idiot bastard apparently thought the ridiculous shit they do in these movies was real. He crashed fast and died furiously. I don't find any sadness or poignancy or anything in that. He's an awful actor and he died like a fool. (Just watch the movie.) Oh the girl died because she fell ten feet to the concrete and they're not even going to look for her body, but that other guy flew like Superman and caved in the windshield of a moving car, but he's not only alive, but didn't even get the wind knocked out of him? Seriously? What the fuck? (It's JUST A MOVIE! Christ!)
Ok. I get that "it's just a movie." I understand that. But it's lazy. It's horrible. It's senseless. When Luda is the best actor on the screen at any time, you've got some problems. The girls are just as bad. They don't look good, none of them can act.
The "chemistry" between the team members is forced and incredibly fake. I also have a little bit of a problem with thinking the bad guys are cool. Oceans Eleven (the Clooney version) gave me enough rationale that I could be on board with the robberies. These fucks are just meat heads, chowder heads and punk thieves. They're stealing for their own purposes. (No they're not, they're like Robin Hood!) Right. Robin Hood buys himself mansions and jets. Explain to me why I should want them to get away with stealing people's cars? What if they stole my car? (Aggggghhh, they're not going to steal your car. It's just a movie!) Well what if they tore up my car while they were killing people all over the Interstate? (*sigh* ) How are they getting away with that? I was counting. There are probably 40 bystanders dead in just that one scene. "It's just a movie" has to make some sense. Somebody's going to jail for all those dead people on the road. They don't just get away from that. (I give up. Let's watch Trainwreck instead). Fuck now. I don't want to watch that chubby bitch be whorishly obnoxious. I've seen some of her standup and it's vulgar and offensive. She's not funny. No thanks.
There is no problem bigger than Vin Diesel. The guy has to be the worst actor I've ever seen in my life. Every facial expression he has simply does not match the emotion he should be feeling. Anger? He looks like he just slipped a fart. Happiness? Like he's trying to suppress a sneeze. Sadness? Like he just inhaled a doob and is waiting to exhale. He walks like something is really itchy in his asshole. His dialogue (which I understand he wrote much of) is nonsensical. He mumbles stupid shit. He's worse than Nicholas Cage. Worse than John Travolta. I wanted to murder him the entire time he was on screen.
How this useless fuck has a career beyond "I am Groot" is beyond me. He's the worst. I understand that it's just a movie. But how this senseless mayhem has spawned all these sequels and made all this money is incomprehensible to me.
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