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Kaos' way behind movie reviews

Snaggletiger

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1840 on: March 19, 2015, 03:29:25 PM »
Hey bitch... Vin Diesel and his car can solve all of the worlds problems.


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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1841 on: March 23, 2015, 09:02:18 PM »
Insidious 2

I am dumber for having watched this.  I didn't like the first one all that much. This load of ridiculous claptrap was twice as bad. 

I enjoy the woman. She was Seth Rogan's wife in Neighbors. 

They are making a third one.  I hope I am not stupid enough to watch it. 
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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1842 on: April 12, 2015, 11:02:41 AM »
2:13

Browsing through the bargain basement horror movie bin on Netflix/Amazon/Vudu (or whatever service we were using).  Came across this and was intrigued.  Lots of people in the cast whose faces you'd know including Ferris Buelher's dad, Sam from A Few Good Men, Wynn from Justified, Doyle from Slingblade, Rita's first husband on Dexter, the White Shadow, and Fokker's wife. 

The movie was written by and starred a guy from Florence. Not Italy. Florence, Alabama.  That was the first mistake. He wasn't good enough to carry the part.   He was the Mark half of the old Mark and Brian radio show that some of you may remember.  He should have stayed on the radio. 

Second, he didn't have enough money to do it right. The sets were cheap, the sound editing was really bad. The FX was nearly non-existent. The transitions were bad and choppy. Even the clothes were second-rate.  The lead guy recycled the same tie like eight times.

Third, he must have pictures of Ferris' dad, Sam, Wynn, Doyle, Rita's hubby, Shadow and Fokker's wife greasy and naked with goats or gnus.  What these people were doing slumming in this movie is beyond me. It's not something I'd want on my resume.

As far as the story goes it had some potential. Or could have been in the right hands. Radio Mark mishandled pretty much every piece of what could have been an intriguing tale of childhood trauma and grown-up revenge. It was so poorly done it squeezed all the potential life out of the movie.

The biggest gaffe?  Radio Mark was a rumpled, wrinkled, baggy-eyed mess that looked every bit of the 54 years he was at the time of filming (born in 1955) -- and then some.  The trigger incident for the entire story supposedly happened when he was ten.  The big bad of the film was -- according to the backstory -- about 25 at the time.  Problem?  The actor he hired for the big bad is nine years younger than he is and looks at least 20 years younger.  So this 25 year old big bad only ages about 15 years over the FOURTY FOUR intervening years while Radio Mark ages a drooping 50 years?  Absolutely terrible and destroyed whatever shreds of credibility the film might have had.  Perhaps he forgot that on TV, people can SEE what you're doing. 

Beyond that?  It missed every possible emotional mark. Every reaction was forced and unrealistic. The actors (with the possible exception of Kevin Pollack) looked like they were fed their lines two minutes before reciting them and there were no retakes matter how stiff or dumb they sounded.   A psychiatrists' trick was so ridiculously bad that they used it twice. 

2:13 had the potential to be a solid psychological thriller, but was mishandled so badly by Radio Mark and a director whose primary credits are as producer on SI Swimsuit model home videos that the movie became a clunky, plodding mess.  It needed a stronger lead, some better sets and a better team of writers to take the basic concept and polish it up. 

Radio Mark should never be allowed to write and star in a movie again.  I have no idea how he scraped up the cash to get this one done. 

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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1843 on: April 18, 2015, 12:22:57 AM »
Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2

Kevin James is painfully, cringingly unfunny.  The first Paul Blart movie had a little cleverness, a dash of heart and a good supporting cast that was unable to overcome his comedic deficiencies. 

Paul Blart 2 had none of those things. 

Amazingly the theater was packed. hardly a seat to be found. Sadly the movie failed to deliver.  There were a few six and eight year olds that screamed laughter at a random moments of physical comedy (seen them all in the trailers) and who were overheard remarking that the movie was "really great!"  Most adults were more along the lines of "eh, it was sort of cute..." 

That's not what I wanted out of this movie.  I wanted funny.  I got a dash of that and a big assload of James hamming it up and falling flat.  This movie could have been fantastic with Chris Farley in the lead role. Or even John Candy.  They're both dead.  Still might have been better with either of their corpses in the lead. 

First major problem I had?  Selena Gomez' wizard brother was immediately smitten by that bulbous headed ogress who played James' daughter in the first Blart film (and who also played the annoying ugly-ass possibly dwarf friend on Austin and Ally -- something all Disney indoctrinated parents will recognize).  There's no way on God's green earth the wizard would have looked at that misshapen wad of dough and done anything other than recoil in horror or projectile vomit.  That doughy girl was horrendously painful to look at.  On top of that she has zero screen presence and less than zero fucking talent.  I abhor this lumpy bag of cottage cheese and curds. 

This film was another insult to human intelligence from the Adam Sandler shitpile of shittily executed shit fests.  And true to Sandler style it featured a woman he (or his pals) could never score in real life falling all over the schlub lead.  Garbage.  Nothing remotely endearing about the crude ass losers he seems to think are amusing. 

I used to think that if I could go back in time and kill anyone it would be Hitler.  I think now I might punch Judy Sandler in the gut or castrate Daddy Sandler.  Anything to deliver us from Little Nicky, Jack and Jill, Big Daddy, Blended, That's My Boy, Chuck&Larry, Zohan, Zookeeper, Bucky Larson, etc.  Fuck that guy.  The few decent things he's done don't come near to offsetting the mountains of shit he's spewed out.   

I should have known I was in for a crap fest when every single preview for this movie was for an animated film.   

Saw trailer for:
Peanuts (from the awful previews I saw, guaranteed beyond a doubt to be an enormous box office flop)
Hotel Transylvania 2 (who gives a fuck?  Was there a Hotel Transylvania 1?)
Inside Out (remotely promising, but nothing compelling)
Minions (yeah, I laugh at minions so I'll probably see this one).
Pixels (another Sandler vehicle which means that a potentially funny premise will be destroyed in a barrage of stupid accents and lame fart jokes)

« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 12:24:50 AM by Kaos »
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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1844 on: April 19, 2015, 03:14:36 AM »
Unfriended

What a horrible movie. 

Maybe I'm just behind the curve. Maybe I've got old-man-itis.  But watching this film occur entirely on the computer dashboard of a vapid teen whore was annoying to the point that I wanted to murder all the people in the movie myself. 

Not once did this film stray from the digitized world and enter the reality of any of the participants.  Instead we were treated to typing in chat windows, typing in facebook screens, typing in google, typing in chat roulette, following links, watching YouTube and conversing in skype windows. 

Fucking annoying.

Apparently this is the life that kids now live.  They no longer get in their cars and congregate in the church parking lot on Friday nights. Instead, they sit in isolation, glued to their electronic devices and interacting while utterly alone.  What a shitty existence this is.  How much they miss. 

If I wanted to sit and look at a fucking computer screen for 90 minutes, I wouldn't have gone to the fucking theater. 

This movie sucked pimpled balls. 
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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1845 on: May 01, 2015, 01:25:40 AM »
Interstellar

Wait, what? 

I know a lot of you consider Nolan a visionary but I've grown tired of his puerile attempts to fuck people's mind.  It's like he sits around and goes "what if you got in a car and drove it backward at 1000 miles an hour.  Would you at some point pass yourself?  And if you did, what would happen if you both stopped at the same time simultaneously and waved at each other.  What if that opened a hole in the asphalt and time ceased to exist?  Then could you slide through that hole and find Bill and Ted? And what if Abraham Lincoln had shaved? Or he could fold time into four scores and see inside everybody's brain?  And what if what he saw were tiny little ants that wore crowns made of begonias? And what if the begonias were actually small constellations?  And what if earth is just a proton in an atom of a sasquatch?  What if earth's atom makes up a small part of one hair follicle that's going to fall out in six sasquatch weeks, which could possibly be eleven quadrillion earth years..."

The movie was long. It was ponderous. It had too many different stories going on at once.  It was pretty to look at, but either I'm too dumb to watch any more of his LONG ASS movies or he thinks he's way smarter than he is.  I'm done with Nolan I think. 

In retrospect all the Batman movies were half an hour too long and the last was simply drudgery.  The only films of his I like are Memento (which isn't as good the second time as it was the first) and the second Batman (and even it is far too long). 
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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1846 on: May 01, 2015, 01:41:08 AM »
Avengers: Age of Ultron

It had all the pieces.  Comic banter from all the Avenging stars.  A surprise or two along the way.  A touching moment you really didn't expect. James Spader gnawing on his lines.

But Jesus Monte Cristos at the carnage.  It was so noisy.  Between Transformers, Superman, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man and the Avengers collectively, there's not much left of the earth to save or protect.  Buildings blown apart left and right.  Streets torn up, cars tossed around like leaves in the wind. Buses, trains, semis, motorcycles, planes, helicopters, thousands of robots all turned to smoking rubble. 

It's gotten to be too much.  I'm tired of seeing glass shattering, buildings collapsing, the earth splitting.  (BTW, from the previews we're in for way more of that when The Rock takes on the San Andreas fault)

There came a point in this movie when I wanted some half ass plausible explanation for what was going on and instead I got more banging and clanging -- hours of it. 

It wasn't a bad movie.  It doesn't come close to supplanting Marvel's top thee (Iron Man 1, Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers 1) but it is better than the second Thor, either Captain America, all of the Spiderman movies combined, all of the X-Men (which I never much cared for) and maybe the second and third Iron Man.  Second Iron Man for sure, but the third Tony Stark movie might be as good or better than this massive noisefest. 

I'm sort of looking forward to Ant Man, honestly.  Be interesting to see how that works out. 

I know most everybody here will go see Avengers.  I'm going to go at least one more time, maybe two.  I liked most of it, but some of the situations felt a little forced and as much as I like Robert Downey Jr. in this role, and he was good again, it looked to me that it is getting a little stale even for him. 

Decent film.  As usual better than anything DC has to offer despite the fact that Batman is and forever will be my favorite character.  Can't wait to watch Snyder fuck the Bat completely up. (sarcasm)

I'd like to see one superhero movie soon that doesn't involve destroying an entire city and fighting from start to finish.  There are better stories that can be told. 
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1847 on: May 01, 2015, 07:39:38 AM »
I'd like to see one superhero movie soon that doesn't involve destroying an entire city and fighting from start to finish.  There are better stories that can be told.

I think beginning with Captain America : Civil War, you will see that there are going to be changes in the Marvel world, due to the destruction of cities.

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Tiger Wench

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1848 on: May 09, 2015, 09:59:33 PM »
Quote
It wasn't a bad movie.  It doesn't come close to supplanting Marvel's top thee (Iron Man 1, Guardians of the Galaxy and Avengers 1) but it is better than the second Thor, either Captain America, all of the Spiderman movies combined, all of the X-Men (which I never much cared for) and maybe the second and third Iron Man.  Second Iron Man for sure, but the third Tony Stark movie might be as good or better than this massive noisefest. 

After an unreal long week full of late nights and no appreciation for it, I declared a fuck it all afternoon and played hooky from work to go see a matinee of Ultron.  And I can't wait to see it again.  Scarlet Witch is freaky scary awesome and well played by Elizabeth Olsen.  And for the life of me, I think all the feminists screaming in faux outrage over Black Widow actually having a feminine side need to find a man and get laid stat so they can flush the sand out of their vaginas.  What a crock of crap.  I loved the interactions between Badass Beauty and the Beast, although I don't think Mark Ruffalo is good looking at all, which makes him an anomaly in that cast.  I thought Spader was the perfect choice for the voiceover. 

Robert Downey Jr is so perfect as Tony Stark too - that was perfect casting back in the day, and he just keeps getting better.  There was a little room for improvement with the premise behind why he was so hellbent on creating Ultron - it wasn't until he was confessing to Fury that I made the connection between the vision he had when Witch was messing with his head and the need to provide a shield against alien attack.  They all had visions but I thought they all realized what she was doing to them and got over it.  Thor's need to understand was well developed but considering that Stark's vision was the crux of the whole thing, it could have been fleshed out a little more.

As for all the buildings crashing and all the explosions, well, Kaos needs to just tell the kids to get off his damn lawn and get over it.  Yes, there was a LOT of noise and clouds of dust but that's to be expected when superheroes go at it.  Compare it with Daredevil, where things are destroyed on a much more human scale.  Daredevil is just a guy - he isn't saving the world, just his little corner of it.  The funny thing is that when I see movies like Ultron and whole cities are getting demolished, the risk manager in me is thinking "I wonder if there is a Superhero v Villain exclusion to their insurance policy?  What does that do to the risk profile?" I know, twisted.

The Stan Lee cameo was the best one yet.  Excelsior!!!!!!!

So I can't say enough wonderful stuff about Ultron.  I am really finally immersed in the Marvel world enough to where I get all the inside nerd jokes, the references to other events, other movies, etc.  And Joss Whedon is a god in this business. You could see his influence all over the place - he did an impressive job considering how much the studio tried to rein him in.  I hope he will do another one but I am not sure he would agree to be controlled that much by suits again instead of being left free to make his own movie.

I generally don't like blondes, but there is an exception for every rule, and Cap is it.  Chris Evans is just beautiful, and Cap'n America is every woman's dream man, so decent and good.  He was not shirtless at all in Ultron, which is just a damn shame.  So I am going to admit to some serious Cap bias, and say that I loved the first Captain America and LOVED LOVED the Winter Soldier.  GOTG is probably my favorite Avengers movie so far, but I have no complaints about any of them at all.  If I had to pick my least favorite, the second Thor wasn't all that, although I do enjoy Loki.  I didn't care for any of the Spiderman movies because I find Toby Maquire tiresome.  Hawkeye made me like him a little more that I did before, but I still don't find Jeremy Renner attractive.  His eyes are too... buggy or something.  I find it interesting that he is coming to a comic con in Houston this month, and charges $150 for an autograph.  Wow.  Mighty impressed with himself.  I'd pay that for a photo of me with Chris Evans, but Renner's autograph?  No thanks.
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1849 on: May 10, 2015, 11:43:39 PM »

I generally don't like blondes, but there is an exception for every rule, and Cap is it.  Chris Evans is just beautiful, and Cap'n America is every woman's dream man, so decent and good.  He was not shirtless at all in Ultron, which is just a damn shame.  So I am going to admit to some serious Cap bias, and say that I loved the first Captain America and LOVED LOVED the Winter Soldier.  GOTG is probably my favorite Avengers movie so far, but I have no complaints about any of them at all.  If I had to pick my least favorite, the second Thor wasn't all that, although I do enjoy Loki.  I didn't care for any of the Spiderman movies because I find Toby Maquire tiresome.  Hawkeye made me like him a little more that I did before, but I still don't find Jeremy Renner attractive.  His eyes are too... buggy or something.  I find it interesting that he is coming to a comic con in Houston this month, and charges $150 for an autograph.  Wow.  Mighty impressed with himself.  I'd pay that for a photo of me with Chris Evans, but Renner's autograph?  No thanks.
   For you Wench. Chris Evans is the reason this movie is good.   
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Saniflush

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1850 on: May 11, 2015, 06:51:41 AM »
The Stan Lee cameo was the best one yet.  Excelsior!!!!!!!


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"Hey my friends are the ones that wanted to eat at that shitty hole in the wall that only served bread and wine.  What kind of brick and mud business model is that.  Stick to the cart if that's all you're going to serve.  Then that dude came in with like 12 other people, and some of them weren't even wearing shoes, and the restaurant sat them right across from us. It was gross, and they were all stinky and dirty.  Then dude starts talking about eating his body and drinking his blood...I almost lost it.  That's the last supper I'll ever have there, and I hope he dies a horrible death."

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1851 on: May 11, 2015, 08:50:43 AM »



I love the fact the Rooker was eating chocolate covered pretzels.  LMAO
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Saniflush

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1852 on: May 11, 2015, 09:48:20 AM »
I love the fact the Rooker was eating chocolate covered pretzels.  LMAO

Damn, I didn't even catch that part.
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"Hey my friends are the ones that wanted to eat at that shitty hole in the wall that only served bread and wine.  What kind of brick and mud business model is that.  Stick to the cart if that's all you're going to serve.  Then that dude came in with like 12 other people, and some of them weren't even wearing shoes, and the restaurant sat them right across from us. It was gross, and they were all stinky and dirty.  Then dude starts talking about eating his body and drinking his blood...I almost lost it.  That's the last supper I'll ever have there, and I hope he dies a horrible death."

wesfau2

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1853 on: May 11, 2015, 10:22:19 AM »
Avengers: Age of Ultron



A whole lot of "meh".  Nothing new or groundbreaking.  The jokes/one-liners are getting progressively worse as the franchise dumbs down for the masses.

Total waste of my 2.5 hours and $30.
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1854 on: May 11, 2015, 10:23:10 AM »
Damn, I didn't even catch that part.

They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.
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Kaos

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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1855 on: May 11, 2015, 12:30:32 PM »

As for all the buildings crashing and all the explosions, well, Kaos needs to just tell the kids to get off his damn lawn and get over it.  Yes, there was a LOT of noise and clouds of dust but that's to be expected when superheroes go at it. 

At some point it becomes overdone.  The earth is gone.

Thirty six cities were demolished in Independence Day.  More in 2012.

Monsters in Godzilla ransacked Hawaii, Las Vegas and San Fran in 2014.

Star Trek also blew San Francisco apart

Transformers crushed Chicago, the Pyramids, New York and half the world.

Avengers left New York in ruins and then killed some eastern european city.  (getting everybody off the berg was a pretty asinine subplot). 

Seriously.  How many buildings do we need to see blow up?  How much glass can fall? How much dust? 

It's become tiresome watching these movies try to out-mayhem each other.   When I saw the White House explode in Independence Day I was astounded.  When the first Transformers wrecked houses and donkey punched some nameless town, I was stunned.  But watching the subsequent "my dust is bigger than your dust" over the top efforts I'm numb to it.   

Man of Steel was the tipping point for me.  The constant crashing and bashing, the showers of glass, the twisting of metal, the crumbling of concrete and asphalt was just too much.  The brawling and punching into buildings (where, let's be honest nobody was in real jeopardy) bored me. 
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1856 on: May 11, 2015, 12:50:21 PM »
They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.

If I remember correctly you're a big pretzel fan.
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1857 on: May 11, 2015, 01:33:21 PM »
Man of Steel was the tipping point for me. 

If I were the mayor of Metropolis, I'd tell Superman to take his shit to Gotham City.
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1858 on: May 11, 2015, 01:53:59 PM »
If I were the mayor of Metropolis, I'd tell Superman to take his shit to Gotham City.

So is the upcoming movie, Batman vs Superman, in Gotham or in the Metro?
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Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Reply #1859 on: May 11, 2015, 03:08:48 PM »
So is the upcoming movie, Batman vs Superman, in Gotham or in the Metro?


Let's hope it's in Tuscaloosa. How many trailers can be destroyed in one movie? 
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