Kaos' way behind movie reviews

The Help

Yet another movie that portrays Southerners as uneducated rebels who cling to dying traditions in the face of the fabulous, urbane, witty New Yorkers.

Yet another double helping of white southern guilt where the only characters with any virtue. morality or integrity are either black or Yankee-driven.

Such utter bullshit. Complete and utter fucking horse fucking manure.

The film was done reasonably well and there may have been some truth to parts of it. But things warn't like they was portrayed. Still that's what my children and most other folks who didn't live in that time will consider to be the truth.

When I was a little kid most of the families we knew had domestic help. People were hired to cook, clean, and help out with the babies (most folks had large families if you remember. Seven kids wasn't a rarity). There were no doo-doo pies. Nobody was calling out lynch squads or accusing people of stealing just to set them up. Can't speak for all, but most of the families I knew formed genuine bonds and relationships with the people who worked in our houses. It wasn't a world of abuse, shame, degradation and pettiness. People did their jobs. The help was part of the family. Just like Alice on the Brady Bunch.

BTW, the Home Help Sanitation Initiative which was a major component of this film was completely fictional. There's no indication anyone ever forced the help to have separate facilities or build separate facilities for them to use. Utter bullshit. The author of this load of excrement excuses her literary license by saying "it very well could have existed, but it didn't."

I think I'm going to do a movie about the NAACP and have one of the characters describe the "Murder Honky Initiative" in detail. It wasn't real, but it very well could have existed.

Because the movie twisted historical fact I'm compelled to tell it to go fuck itself.

Emma Stone is still pretty damn great. Ugly as some think she is, she's good.

Agree with your take on the slant of the movie, as well as on Emma.

My mom grew up in Jackson, MS, and this hit home hard with her. I called her after I watched it, and she pretty much said the same thing you did about how over the top it was, and went on about how their "help" was part of the family, and treated very well. The movie actually upset my mother.

I know a lady whose father was a Vet. in south AL. He owned many acres, and had lots of "help" most of which were descendants from "help" that his father had, and from the slave days before that...they just stayed on because they had work, shelter, and food. They were treated well. If they were sick, he paid the medical bills. He sent a few of their children to college. He even housed them. When he died, he willed each of them the 10 acres of property they had been living on to be their own.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1266 on:** August 08, 2012, 11:05:49 AM »

Took Mini-Snags to see The Amazing Spiderman. Andrew Garfield played Peter Parker and to me, is a much more believable PP than Toby McMuffin. Pretty entertaining movie but I hadn't paid attention to any of the trailers so I went in expecting to see a whole new story line. It wasn't. It basically was the original Spiderman story that focused more on PP as a kid and losing his parents, how he became Spidey and a different twist on his love interest with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone)

The "Villian" is a badass lizard on a Barry Bonds-esque roid regimen. Dennis Leary plays the police chief and Gwen Stacy's dad so there's some good scenes with him. Overall, pretty entertaining flick.

AUJarhead · « **Reply #1267 on:** August 08, 2012, 12:02:33 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on August 08, 2012, 11:05:49 AM

Took Mini-Snags to see The Amazing Spiderman. Andrew Garfield played Peter Parker and to me, is a much more believable PP than Toby McMuffin. Pretty entertaining movie but I hadn't paid attention to any of the trailers so I went in expecting to see a whole new story line. It wasn't. It basically was the original Spiderman story that focused more on PP as a kid and losing his parents, how he became Spidey and a different twist on his love interest with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone)

The "Villian" is a badass lizard on a Barry Bonds-esque roid regimen. Dennis Leary plays the police chief and Gwen Stacy's dad so there's some good scenes with him. Overall, pretty entertaining flick.

And Emma Stone is fucking hot. Can't believe you left that part out, you homo.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1268 on:** August 08, 2012, 12:08:59 PM »

Quote from: AUJarhead on August 08, 2012, 12:02:33 PM

And Emma Stone is fucking hot. Can't believe you left that part out, you homo.

Oh yeah, and Sally Field is fucking hot.

Saniflush · « **Reply #1269 on:** August 08, 2012, 03:10:44 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on August 08, 2012, 12:08:59 PM

Oh yeah, and Sally Field is fucking hot.

Later bandit. And have fun tapping that hot hot Sally Field ass.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1270 on:** August 08, 2012, 03:20:44 PM »

Quote from: Saniflush on August 08, 2012, 03:10:44 PM

Later bandit. And have fun tapping that hot hot Sally Field ass.

She was incredibly cute and fapable back in the day. She played Aunt Mae in Spidey and yeah, I know she's old but dayum, she was fugly as sin. They gave her the haven't washed or brushed my hair in 3 1/2 years look.

GH2001 · « **Reply #1271 on:** August 08, 2012, 03:48:18 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on August 08, 2012, 03:20:44 PM

She was incredibly cute and fapable back in the day. She played Aunt Mae in Spidey and yeah, I know she's old but dayum, she was fugly as sin. They gave her the haven't washed or brushed my hair in 3 1/2 years look.

She was hawwwt in Bandit.

Kaos · « **Reply #1272 on:** August 10, 2012, 10:46:14 AM »

Footloose -- original version

I somehow escaped the 80s without being forced to watch this movie. I never saw the remake either. So until yesterday I managed to completely avoid the entire Footloose phenomena. Not sure how that happened but considered myself fortunate.

Until yesterday, that is. My younger daughter wanted to watch the original so I agreed.

Holy shit what an AWFUL fucking movie. It was absolutely terrible in every respect. How this clunky load of gerbil jizz could be considered a "classic" alongside such marvels as Fast Times, Ferris, Last American Virgin etc.

This was absolutely godawful.

Lori Singer couldn't have possibly looked any more grotesque. She looked like an anorexic gecko in high-waisted pants. And she could not dance a lick.

Kevin Bacon? His "dancing" looked like a scarecrow hit with a taser while being simultaneously shaken by a crazed doberman. It was laughable at best.

After watching this is anyone really surprised Chris Penn is dead?

The soundtrack was about as gay as I've ever heard. Bacon is really going to get pumped up and flit around a warehouse place to Bonnie Tyler? Really? What a homo.

Bacon is on the "gymnastics team" HAHAHAHAHAHA.

This was without a doubt one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. It was a complete joke.

Better movies of the era include the aforementioned Fast Times, Ferris, LAV, and others like Private School, Dirty Dancing, Flashdance, All the Right Moves and basically every other movie that came out in the entire decade.

Holy balls this was terrible.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #1273 on:** August 10, 2012, 10:53:28 AM »

I may not agree with some of your tastes in teh cinemas, but the reviews are priceless.

"Kevin Bacon? His "dancing" looked like a scarecrow hit with a taser while being simultaneously shaken by a crazed doberman. It was laughable at best."

GH2001 · « **Reply #1274 on:** August 10, 2012, 11:50:32 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on August 10, 2012, 10:46:14 AM

How this clunky load of gerbil jizz could be considered a "classic"

Kaos · « **Reply #1275 on:** August 11, 2012, 10:46:00 AM »

Safe House

Denzel playing bad cool. Ryan Reynolds playing doe-eyed do-gooder. Horse-face Farmiga playing a phone answering spy boss (she sucks).

Not really okay with a movie that portrays a traitor to the country as the good guy and buries the evil CIA as the ultimate baddie.

Just never got completely off the ground. Wasn't a bad movie but just never soared like it could have with the cast it had in place.

Kaos · « **Reply #1276 on:** August 11, 2012, 10:55:55 AM »

Detention
Perhaps the weirdest movie I've ever seen.

It was supposed to be a spoof I think, but it was so oddly done I'm not even sure about that. It gave nods to movies like Freaky Friday, Breakfast Club and others. Was billed as a horror movie, but there was no horror. Just silly oddness. A dude with fly blood. A bear from the future/past.

Maybe it was going for laughs. It had to be. In the end it was just a goofy immature mish mash of nothing that had no beginning, no end and no cohesive middle to tie it together. It was like random scenes of weirdness. And not weird weirdness, just blatantly goofy weirdness.

And lots of vomiting.

Don't watch this movie.

It did feature this chick who looks like a baby Angie Harmon if Angie ate a few sandwiches. There's a gratuitous shot at one point of one of her (very shapely) boobs but even that seemed forced and weird.

But it also featured Dane Cook which is enough to put it on the trash heap.

Kaos · « **Reply #1277 on:** August 12, 2012, 12:19:39 PM »

Machine Gun Preacher

Problem #1: The Title.

I was expecting to see something like Hobo With a Shotgun. Instead this was a four-hour commercial against Joseph Kony -- who I thought was an Internet meme. Oh, it only lasted two hours? Seemed longer.

Problem #2: The Lead
The movie struggled with Gerard DePardieu -- pardon, Gerard Butler -- in the lead as his accent swirled back and forth and his eyeball popping rage face was difficult to watch. He was good in 300 and in Phantom of the Opera, but has pretty much sucked baby-eating dingo ass in the few forgettable romantic comedies and other films he's been in. He wasn't abysmal here, but the movie would have benefited from a better lead.

Problem #3: The Story
The movie meandered, left threads just hanging and had real difficulty justifying the motivations of the characters. It also skipped ahead with little to no exposition. It started in gripping fashion by showing the abduction of children and the atrocities they were forced to commit. But then it dawdled around with biker prisoner Butler, biker Butler, converted Butler, inspired Butler, etc. all the while never really establishing any real connection with the characters.

He's an asshole. He's an addict. He kills a bum. Goes to church one time and is a preacher. What?

The film really struggled with story pacing. In one WTF sequence, his wife stencils the name of a business on his truck, the family walks down the road to a huge house that's theirs (this after living in a shithole of a trailer seconds before), then they're sitting at the dinner table and his daughter has aged six or seven years with no explanation. Wife hasn't aged, he's still wearing the same fucking shirt, mom hasn't aged -- but the kid's grown up. What?

And then there's his "transformation." God loves everybody! God wants wolves with ripping teeth, tearing at the evils of the world! Be a wolf! Fuck all of you sonsabitches!

The guy's real story is probably a good one, but here it's really poorly told. It never managed to build any connection with any of the characters and the ending was even more WTF. It was like "oh, we're out of film so let's stop here and we'll stick some words up there that says what happened to everybody."

Kaos · « **Reply #1278 on:** August 12, 2012, 12:21:54 PM »

The Intruders

I keep waiting for Clive Owen to make a good movie.

Still waiting.

Really idiotic story that was supposed to be horror. Hey! Grandpa's in the closet.

Pfffttttttt.

Kaos · « **Reply #1279 on:** August 12, 2012, 12:30:11 PM »

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Tom Cruise looks old and greasy.

Too much running and fist fighting. Definitely too much of Cruise running. There were what, five different scenes where he's running like hell and then punching somebody? Or not dying when cars collide head on at 100 mph?

Fucking ridiculous.

The old Mission Impossible series was cool and suave. They tricked people, bamboozled them and then smirked and laughed at the end. The MI series with Cruise in the lead exchanges subtlety an subterfuge for neanderthal punching and the "serious Cruise face."

Fuck that.

This just wasn't good. Most of the action sequences were asinine and unbelievable.

Don't like Cruise, didn't like this. Hope they don't make any more.