Locked
Hulu

Down on his luck Pennywise breaks into Hannibal Lecter’s car. Hannibal is controlling it remotely, locks him in, and proceeds to torture him.  Kinda gleefully and kinda brutally. 

Hilarity or something ensues.  That’s about all that happens. 

Instantly forgettable. 

Heart Eyes
Netflix

Every holiday deserves its own slasher movie. Bloody Valentine had Cupid’s day covered but there is definitely room in the horrorverse for this love-themed entry.

It’s the perfect combination of a Hallmark meet-cute and a grisly 80s slasher.  Great mix of lightness and gore. 

The will-they/wont they Sam and Diane couple here are ad execs for a jewelry outlet. Her latest campaign bombed because it focused on doomed love due to her own perpetually broken heart. He’s the relentlessly romantic fixer brought in to save the day. She, predictably, hates him.  Just as predictably the Heart Eyes killer mistakes them for a couple and the not-a-couple becomes the target of his murderous rage. 

There are a few things that didn’t flow well, and despite a lot of exposition prior to carnage the rationale behind the Valentines Day focus was never fully explained.

Still it has much more of an actual Valentines-Day theme than Bloody Valentine did. The leads don’t have much charisma but they do have an easy chemistry that makes the film work. 

The kills are creative and done in such a way that humor alleviates what could be overly gory. 

It’s not great cinema.  It will never win awards. It not even to the (fantastic) level of, say, Violent Night. But it understood what it was and it delivered both as a Hallmark-ish movie and a slasher flick.

I liked it despite the fact that it’s yet another movie that feels compelled to force feed multi-racial attraction down our throats.

Você costuma fazer a aposta máxima? Você ganha com frequência? Nunca fiz apostas máximas porque acho que é muito arriscado. Eu também sempre jogo versões de demonstração dos caça-níqueis antes de jogar com dinheiro real, e aqui está a versão de demo Fortune Mouse: https://cardmates.com.br/caca-niquel/fortune-mouse . Sinceramente, obtive os três símbolos nessa versão gratuita com tanta frequência que até pensei em fazer a aposta máxima. A propósito, ela é de 1.250 reais nesse caça-níqueis. Talvez eu jogue como você um dia, mas, por enquanto, acho que preciso de mais experiência.

We just need the girl’s daddy come out and say she deserved it.

And give the judge a big ol War Damn!

Wolfman

Hey. Remember when they gave Leigh Wannell the classic Universal Monster The Invisible Man?  Remember how she turned it into a Me Too, Girl Power, you get that revenge flick that wiped its butt with the source material? Remember how she cast a pasty pale ugly woman as the lead! Fun!!! 

I remember.

That’s why I was a little surprised to see her attached to this project.  Another attempt to resurrect the Universal Monster empire that fell flat on its face at the box office. 

Oh, people don’t want the old monsters they say?  No.  They just don’t want her version. 

Here, Julia Garner steps into the ugly pasty role and she’s got that part down.  The rear? She’s awful.  But she’s the powerful girl we deserve.  Or something.

It’s not all bad.  There’s a good dose of gore and some grisly moments. There’s enough to qualify as horror. And some of the transformation effects are decent. 

In its defense it hews closer to the source than her IM did.  Just not close enough. 

I’m tired of Garner and her ugly short white fro.  She peaked at Ruth and should just go away now.