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Haley Center Basement / Re: Kaos' way behind movie reviews
« Last post by Kaos on June 10, 2025, 07:07:59 PM »Fountain of Youth
AppleTV
How could this go wrong? John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, Domhnall Gleeson, Eiza (she's cute) Gonzalez, Stanley Tucci, MM (from The Boys), Guy Ritchie at the helm, exotic locations, adventure, treasure! All the elements are there.
Except, they are just elements. There is no chemistry whatsoever.
Remember when Jim Halpert played Goldenface in Threat Level Midnight? The performance here by Big Bird was about on par with that. This was a film that literally screamed for someone else to take that part, because it was a horrible fit for Jim. Literally anyone would likely have been better. Anyone. Dwight would have done this role more justice than Jim. So, too would Stanley, Oscar, Kevin, Daryl, Creed, Plop, Ryan, David Wallace, Mr. Brown, Charles Miner, Bob Vance (Vance Refrigeration), Hank the Security Guard, Toby Flenderson, Roy, Michael, and the turban IT guy. This was just a terrible role for Halpert.
Natalie Portman proved she learned everything Hayden Christensen had to teach with her ineffective, flat, toneless, lazy performance. So much droning exposition and inability to act. It was KISS Meets Phantom "here are your lines, read it back one time from a cue card. CUT, PRINT!" level of awfulness. And if you havent seen KMP - go watch it. It's more awfully enjoyable than this adventure turd.
Basic storyline is they're searching for something that completes a puzzle so they essentially steal wardrobe, entire scenes, backdrops, and settings from Indiana Jones and The Mummy movies and then layer bad dialogue and fence-post quality acting on top.
I saw it somewhere listed as "second screen entertainment" which means the kind of thing you turn on while you're looking at your phone and working on your computer - and forget that it's on. It's not even good enough for that.
Krasinski is better than this. He just never found any footing as this character and flubbed it so badly he probably needs to distance himself from it. It needed more of a Chris Pratt or a Chris Pine... one of the Chrisses. Even Chris Farley. But it got Goldenface.
Could have been a moderately entertaining movie but awful casting and half-hearted direction ruined it.
AppleTV
How could this go wrong? John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, Domhnall Gleeson, Eiza (she's cute) Gonzalez, Stanley Tucci, MM (from The Boys), Guy Ritchie at the helm, exotic locations, adventure, treasure! All the elements are there.
Except, they are just elements. There is no chemistry whatsoever.
Remember when Jim Halpert played Goldenface in Threat Level Midnight? The performance here by Big Bird was about on par with that. This was a film that literally screamed for someone else to take that part, because it was a horrible fit for Jim. Literally anyone would likely have been better. Anyone. Dwight would have done this role more justice than Jim. So, too would Stanley, Oscar, Kevin, Daryl, Creed, Plop, Ryan, David Wallace, Mr. Brown, Charles Miner, Bob Vance (Vance Refrigeration), Hank the Security Guard, Toby Flenderson, Roy, Michael, and the turban IT guy. This was just a terrible role for Halpert.
Natalie Portman proved she learned everything Hayden Christensen had to teach with her ineffective, flat, toneless, lazy performance. So much droning exposition and inability to act. It was KISS Meets Phantom "here are your lines, read it back one time from a cue card. CUT, PRINT!" level of awfulness. And if you havent seen KMP - go watch it. It's more awfully enjoyable than this adventure turd.
Basic storyline is they're searching for something that completes a puzzle so they essentially steal wardrobe, entire scenes, backdrops, and settings from Indiana Jones and The Mummy movies and then layer bad dialogue and fence-post quality acting on top.
I saw it somewhere listed as "second screen entertainment" which means the kind of thing you turn on while you're looking at your phone and working on your computer - and forget that it's on. It's not even good enough for that.
Krasinski is better than this. He just never found any footing as this character and flubbed it so badly he probably needs to distance himself from it. It needed more of a Chris Pratt or a Chris Pine... one of the Chrisses. Even Chris Farley. But it got Goldenface.
Could have been a moderately entertaining movie but awful casting and half-hearted direction ruined it.