Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Snaggletiger on August 19, 2015, 02:33:26 PM
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Since Jumbo went all random earlier, got to thinking bout' a thread for some really keen, meaningless and cool stories? Especially since I just recently had one of those semi-awkward moments. Plus, it will give K a place to relay those life events that can only happen to K, and be expressed in a manner that only K can convey.
In line at the bank waiting behind a rather sexy blonde young lady. The tellers are located in a large, open area where sound carries quite well. She and I are the only two customers and there are two tellers behind the counter with several employees at desks around the room.
The blonde's phone, which is sticking out of her back pocket with the volume apparently turned up to 11, goes off with the ringtone of "Addicted" by Saving Abel. For those not familiar, picture these lyrics emanating from her ass and heard quite clearly throughout the bank:
"I'm so addicted to all the things you do when you're going down on me in between the sheets."
This line is repeated several times as she makes no attempt to answer or mute it. One teller, a young guy counting money, is trying his best to stifle a laugh. The young lady teller waiting on the blonde can't speak and is turning red as a beet. One employee comes out of his office to see where it was coming from and another lady employee has her head down on her desk, laughing uncontrollably.
The blonde completes her transaction and walks out calmly. As soon as the door shuts behind her, the entire bank breaks out in laughter. I, on the other hand, stepped up to the teller window sporting semi-chub.
Cool story, bro.......
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(http://i.qkme.me/5s6t.jpg)
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(http://i.qkme.me/5s6t.jpg)
Now ur doin' it rite
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Best story ever IF you had of snapped a pic of her ass doe...
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Oh girl, let's take it slow
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Since Jumbo went all random earlier, got to thinking bout' a thread for some really keen, meaningless and cool stories? Especially since I just recently had one of those semi-awkward moments. Plus, it will give K a place to relay those life events that can only happen to K, and be expressed in a manner that only K can convey.
In line at the bank waiting behind a rather sexy blonde young lady. The tellers are located in a large, open area where sound carries quite well. She and I are the only two customers and there are two tellers behind the counter with several employees at desks around the room.
The blonde's phone, which is sticking out of her back pocket with the volume apparently turned up to 11, goes off with the ringtone of "Addicted" by Saving Abel. For those not familiar, picture these lyrics emanating from her ass and heard quite clearly throughout the bank:
"I'm so addicted to all the things you do when you're going down on me in between the sheets."
This line is repeated several times as she makes no attempt to answer or mute it. One teller, a young guy counting money, is trying his best to stifle a laugh. The young lady teller waiting on the blonde can't speak and is turning red as a beet. One employee comes out of his office to see where it was coming from and another lady employee has her head down on her desk, laughing uncontrollably.
The blonde completes her transaction and walks out calmly. As soon as the door shuts behind her, the entire bank breaks out in laughter. I, on the other hand, stepped up to the teller window sporting semi-chub.
Cool story, bro.......
Lawyer talk.
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Lawyer talk.
Since Jumbo went all random earlier, got to thinking bout' a thread for some really keen, meaningless and cool stories?
Dallas talk ^^
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Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
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Dallas talk ^^
(http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u1/miked0003/keen%20as%20bean1_zps7a7vivcc.jpg) (http://s164.photobucket.com/user/miked0003/media/keen%20as%20bean1_zps7a7vivcc.jpg.html)
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Oh girl, let's take it slow
Creepy Avatar broskie.
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Lawyer talk.
Hammering out justice doesn't come cheap!
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Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
You are my favorite ambulance chaser. Keep those long winded tales and snappy anecdotes coming.
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Creepy Avatar broskie.
Better?
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Since Jumbo went all random earlier, got to thinking bout' a thread for some really keen, meaningless and cool stories? Especially since I just recently had one of those semi-awkward moments. Plus, it will give K a place to relay those life events that can only happen to K, and be expressed in a manner that only K can convey.
In line at the bank waiting behind a rather sexy blonde young lady. The tellers are located in a large, open area where sound carries quite well. She and I are the only two customers and there are two tellers behind the counter with several employees at desks around the room.
The blonde's phone, which is sticking out of her back pocket with the volume apparently turned up to 11, goes off with the ringtone of "Addicted" by Saving Abel. For those not familiar, picture these lyrics emanating from her ass and heard quite clearly throughout the bank:
"I'm so addicted to all the things you do when you're going down on me in between the sheets."
This line is repeated several times as she makes no attempt to answer or mute it. One teller, a young guy counting money, is trying his best to stifle a laugh. The young lady teller waiting on the blonde can't speak and is turning red as a beet. One employee comes out of his office to see where it was coming from and another lady employee has her head down on her desk, laughing uncontrollably.
The blonde completes her transaction and walks out calmly. As soon as the door shuts behind her, the entire bank breaks out in laughter. I, on the other hand, stepped up to the teller window sporting semi-chub.
Cool story, bro.......
ho lee fuk...this wasn't from the copa da past.al.cumz
nice story, bro.
tell it again but with your balls.
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ho lee fuk...this wasn't from the copa da past.al.cumz
nice story, bro.
tell it again but with your balls.
Insensitive tweet
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Insensitive tweet
I heard that phrase is overused.
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I heard that phrase is overused.
Well, it definitely applies in this case. Nook's words were hurtful and he will not see me at the pancake social on Wednesday.
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Well, it definitely applies in this case. Nook's words were hurtful and he will not see me at the pancake social on Wednesday.
Depends...how much? I may be in. Still at the Lions Club?
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Depends...how much? I may be in. Still at the Lions Club?
$5.00 and they moved it to the Alcazar Shriner's Temple on Westgate.
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$5.00 and they moved it to the Alcazar Shriner's Temple on Westgate.
Im gonna get me one of those cool tassles for my hat so I can blend in.
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Im gonna get me one of those cool tassles for my hat so I can blend in.
You ain't cool til you infiltrate the JP crew breakfast in the basement of the new student union.
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So I have to go to the doctor. Routine stuff. 50 now and doc wants routine tests. Sets me up with a GI place. Appointment at 9:15. I get there at 9. Woman behind the glass shoves a clipboard at me with a stack of papers. No words. Just the shove.
Ok. I'm trying to fill it out. Some of it I'm not sure about. So I go ask her a question. She sighs, rolls her eyes and says "what does it say to put there?" Ok. Fine.
Get to the part about payment. It says I have to put my copay. It's different everywhere I go. I don't know if they mean for a procedure or office visit. So I ask her that. She snaps back some shit about why don't I know my own copay? Fuck her. I just write a number.
Getting toward the end and there's this whole other thing about living will or something. I stupidly decide to ask for clarification because I have a living will on file already.
She says "if you're gonna keep having these questions we many need to just make your appointment for another day so you can have time to fill things out. We are busy here." There's a folded magazine and a drink on the desk next to her.
And my anger flares.
I invite her to take the clipboard and shove it so far up her ass she'll need to make an appointment with an ENT to have it removed. The mostly full waiting room -- all apparently victims of her abuse at some point I suppose -- erupts in laughter.
I leave.
Now who am I going to get to run a flashlight up my ass?
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Now who am I going to get to run a flashlight up my ass?
I know a few guys around here who would take you up on that.
My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago. They told me then that when I turned 35 I needed to start getting checked as a precaution. It was no big deal then because I was in my late 20's and that seemed like a long time away. Well, I turned 35 in January and my wife is constantly nagging me about it. Is it as bad as I think it will be?
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I know a few guys around here who would take you up on that.
My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago. They told me then that when I turned 35 I needed to start getting checked as a precaution. It was no big deal then because I was in my late 20's and that seemed like a long time away. Well, I turned 35 in January and my wife is constantly nagging me about it. Is it as bad as I think it will be?
The exam? nope easy as pie, your asleep. The night before is the bitch, eating nothing but Jell-O and soup broth while taking something to clean out your body so the camera can get a clean view is really no fun. Lets just say you'll be sitting a lot in the bathroom. :haha:
Your pretty hungry the next morning after your Hollywood debut.
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I've had 2 colonoscopies. Dallas is spot on. Be very close to the shitter after you take whatever they tell you to take. Get ready for some turbo Power Ranger ass eruptions. After the exam, you don't even know you had anything done.
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I've had 2 colonoscopies. Dallas is spot on. Be very close to the shitter after you take whatever they tell you to take. Get ready for some turbo Power Ranger ass eruptions. After the exam, you don't even know you had anything done.
And make sure you get some pictures of your doctors work. It's KEEN.
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I know a few guys around here who would take you up on that.
My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago. They told me then that when I turned 35 I needed to start getting checked as a precaution. It was no big deal then because I was in my late 20's and that seemed like a long time away. Well, I turned 35 in January and my wife is constantly nagging me about it. Is it as bad as I think it will be?
The colonoscopy is different from the prostate.
Colonoscopy you shit like a rabbit that ate a box of Ex-Lax for like five hours. Then they put you to sleep. When you wake up you fart like you've never farted before. You could start your own band. I've had three. The first was great. I hallucinated for almost a whole day from the anesthesia. Talking sheep to be exact. They were hilarious. The second time was not memorable. The third, I woke up before I was supposed to and fought with the black girls in the operating room. That wasn't good.
Prostate is a fist up your ass and somebody gouging around in there with a garden shovel.
(http://www.1055theriver.com/sites/g/files/exi686/f/styles/large_730/public/article-images-featured/249041-21346.jpg?itok=kBdOqoEu)
Mooooon River....
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Which ever one you need, get it. Yes, its a pain in the ass ( :rimshot:) but worth it should they find something, early detection. :sex:
This is what makes this board the best, we have gone from a guy standing in line at a bank to flashlights up the butt. :haha:
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Prostate is a fist up your ass and somebody gouging around in there with a garden shovel.
Couldnt have described it better.
Only had one once but was enough to mentally scar me. We aren't all as versed in this practice as VV.
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Which ever one you need, get it. Yes, its a pain in the ass ( :rimshot:) but worth it should they find something, early detection. :sex:
This is what makes this board the best, we have gone from a guy standing in line at a bank to flashlights up the butt. :haha:
Dont forget pancakes and the Alcazars.
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The prostate exam is not so bad until the Doctor puts both hands on your shoulders. Then it's a little awkward.
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The prostate exam is not so bad until the Doctor puts both hands on your shoulders. Then it's a little awkward.
Thats just when the pregame is over and the party really starts.
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My doc told me his prostate exam was unique in that he's gay and has no arms.
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Couldnt have described it better.
Only had one once but was enough to mentally scar me. We aren't all as versed in this practice as VV.
I am so happy that my regular Doctor is a small middle eastern women. Smallest finger in the world. :clap:
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As you age Ogre, it comes standard with the doc visit. I guess I assumed that you, like most of the others on here, just enjoyed having things stuck up in there.
Honestly, it's no fun but it typically lasts about maybe 15 seconds unless he finds something. I had one about 2 weeks ago and he felt something he has to keep a watch on next time. They do a PSA blood test and mine was fine but I still have to go to a urologist and get checked out.
The colonoscopy deal K is talking about is a whole different ball game. I had the light ran up da butt one time but it wasn't a full colonoscopy. I don't understand the difference but they don't go as far. Anyway, I was fully awake and alert. No meds. That part wasn't as bad as a prostate exam to me.
As K mentioned, the prep the day before was the worst part to me.
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Had a physical a couple of months back. Doc went through everything and when I knew it was time to stop, drop and bend over, she (Yep...she) said they no longer do the anal probing and the medical profession is going away from it. She said you can only get to a portion of the prostate and if you got anything going on, it's going to show up in the PSA blood test. Talked to another doc and he agreed.
I thanked her and then stopped sweating profusely.
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Had a physical a couple of months back. Doc went through everything and when I knew it was time to stop, drop and bend over, she (Yep...she) said they no longer do the anal probing and the medical profession is going away from it. She said you can only get to a portion of the prostate and if you got anything going on, it's going to show up in the PSA blood test. Talked to another doc and he agreed.
I thanked her and then stopped sweating profusely.
B.S. call. You were disappointed.
So, where did u go to get fingered for the day?
Had not heard that about no penetration. Nobody told my 6' 4" big fingered doc. However, he wouldn't have found the pea sized bump on my prostate without, so I'm glad he did. But he only did the Psa test after finding the bump. He said he doesn't automatically do Psa at my age because of cost. I asked how much it was and he said $16 I think. So, I'm like, "lets do it".
BTW, these prostate and colonoscopy stories are not very cool, IMO. Especially on a Friday.
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Had a physical a couple of months back. Doc went through everything and when I knew it was time to stop, drop and bend over, she (Yep...she) said they no longer do the anal probing and the medical profession is going away from it. She said you can only get to a portion of the prostate and if you got anything going on, it's going to show up in the PSA blood test. Talked to another doc and he agreed.
I thanked her and then stopped sweating profusely.
My doctor, also a she, says that the PSA test is completely unreliable and not used any longer by reputable doctors for screening.
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My doctor, also a she, says that the PSA test is completely unreliable and not used any longer by reputable doctors for screening.
Pffffft....you can't even get past the receptionist.
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Had a physical a couple of months back. Doc went through everything and when I knew it was time to stop, drop and bend over, she (Yep...she) said they no longer do the anal probing and the medical profession is going away from it. She said you can only get to a portion of the prostate and if you got anything going on, it's going to show up in the PSA blood test. Talked to another doc and he agreed.
I thanked her and then stopped sweating profusely.
Do you have to make a separate appointed for you balls or do they join you?
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Do you have to make a separate appointed for you balls or do they join you?
I'll reply when you say it in English.
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I'll reply when you say it in English.
Damn that was butchered.
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My dad just had the cancer cut out. They caught it early because his PSA levels were elevated, which led to a biopsy which led to a surgery which led to him still being alive. If your doc says they ain't doin' PSAs get a new fucking doc.
Dad would be slowly dying of cancer right now without it.
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My dad just had the cancer cut out. They caught it early because his PSA levels were elevated, which led to a biopsy which led to a surgery which led to him still being alive. If your doc says they ain't doin' PSAs get a new fucking doc.
Dad would be slowly dying of cancer right now without it.
Great news
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Great news
Snags pre-empted testicular cancer by letting the Mrs. perform a preventive double nuttectomy
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Two stories.
1) Played golf Saturday. Started off with a birdie and two pars. Then came within about six inches of a hole in one on four.
I'm keeping up with distance with an app on my iphone. As we went to the fifth tee, it fell out of the cart. Didn't break or even crack a screen, but the golf app had to be restarted because it was frozen. The rest of the day I'm a club short. App says I'm 150 out, I know a seven usually hits right at 150, but I'm short of the green. Still I shoot low 80s, which is good, but the coming up short on every iron into the green is frustrating. It's adding strokes I don't need. And my driving seems off. My good drives are usually 260, I average about 220 counting the shit ones I occasionally bust out. I'm barely breaking 200. I've got drives that register 185 and 177.
Can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I shortchanging the drives? I tinker with stance,grip, weight shift, trying like hell to get the pop back. I never do. Just doesn't happen.
This app emails me the scorecard and a hole-by-hole summary. I happen to look at it today? The fucking thing reset itself to the metric system when it fell out of the cart. All day I'm looking at metric distances. 150 is really 164. I'm going up to a six from that distance.
Fucking thing ruined my game. Probably cost me ten strokes. And has my driving fucked up unless I can undo all the tinkering I started doing from about hole seven on.
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2) Middle of the night last night this awful noise wakes me up. Sounds sort of like somebody is hammering at the door. Maybe I dreamed it. I dunno. Clock says 4:20. Nobody's home but me and my youngest. Check the house, nothing seems amiss. Check the front door. it's unlocked.
So I get the the baseball bat and go outside. It's dark as hell. I think I see something moving off to the side in the shadows. So I walk a little closer with that tingly feeling crawling up the back of my neck. It's nothing. A stupid ass dog cruising for garbage I guess.
And then I hear this hissing sound right beside me. It's like sssssss-ssssssssssss-sssssssskkkkkk.
I think "oh FUCK, I've walked out here in the fucking dark and am up on a motherfucking snake." It's pitch. I can't see what's there. With my nuts trying their best to crawl up into my guts I'm frozen in place trying to figure out where this fucking snake is so I don't step on it.
And then... Kaaa-sppppppppppissssshhhhhh-tktktktktktktk.
My fucking sprinklers come on. I get a face full of water. That's the "snake" I heard. The damn sprinkler priming up.
And it's 4:30ish, I'm soaking ass wet and my day has started off with a bang.
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Lawyer talk.
Werd
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I know a few guys around here who would take you up on that.
My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago. They told me then that when I turned 35 I needed to start getting checked as a precaution. It was no big deal then because I was in my late 20's and that seemed like a long time away. Well, I turned 35 in January and my wife is constantly nagging me about it. Is it as bad as I think it will be?
Prep is worse than the exam...besides what are you worried about you have had worse things shove up your anus.
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Prep is worse than the exam...besides what are you worried about you have had worse things shove up your anus.
I like to use the word "placed".
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I like to use the word "place nouned".
fixt - that would cover person, place, or thing
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I hate that cat.
For some reason, our house has always been a haven for stray cats. In the 8 years we've lived there, we've probably had 8 different cats take up residence in our garage. Some will hang out for a few months, some longer but ultimately, they all wind up disappearing. We have woods next to our house so I don't know if a bobcat or a coyote or other vile creature is killing them. Welp, lost another one. Meh.
They're pretty cool for the most part. We take em' to the clinic once a year and get a rabies shot. Put a bowl of food out. They keep the rodent population down and do their own thing. But the one that's out there now.....gawt damn I'm ready to shoot that bastage. It's a little killing machine. There is rarely a day that goes by where that cat doesn't torture and maim some poor creature....in our garage. We'll walk out and there will be bird feathers everywhere. Or a mangled skink lizard. A lot of mice without heads. Pieces of snake. She's gutted squirrels bigger than her and presented us with the entrails. Yesterday, I come home and Snagette tells me there's a wounded chipmunk in the back yard that they saved from the cat. I go out there and put the little fella in a box to see if he'll live. He didn't. So I go outside and what do I find in the garage? We had taken one play toy away from her...so she went and got another chipmunk family member, ripped it in half and placed it lovingly on the mat at the foot of the stairs.
Stupid cat. Not there when you need it, either. Working in the yard this past weekend. I'm walking through the yard and hear this rustling in the bushes. Cat? No, the cat is 5 feet away under my car yawning. I look at the bushes and a 4 foot snake comes boogeyin' out right by my feet. Startled the shit out of me. Cat just looked at me and said, "Snake almost gotcha' didn't it?"
I hate that cat.
Cool story, bro.
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I love a good pussy.
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I love a good pussy.
This one will rip the blue vein out of your Johnson and show it to you.
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One my dogs attacked and destroyed my sunglasses last night.
My fault for leaving them vulnerable. :facepalm:
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I hate that cat.
For some reason, our house has always been a haven for stray cats. In the 8 years we've lived there, we've probably had 8 different cats take up residence in our garage. Some will hang out for a few months, some longer but ultimately, they all wind up disappearing. We have woods next to our house so I don't know if a bobcat or a coyote or other vile creature is killing them. Welp, lost another one. Meh.
They're pretty cool for the most part. We take em' to the clinic once a year and get a rabies shot. Put a bowl of food out. They keep the rodent population down and do their own thing. But the one that's out there now.....gawt damn I'm ready to shoot that bastage. It's a little killing machine. There is rarely a day that goes by where that cat doesn't torture and maim some poor creature....in our garage. We'll walk out and there will be bird feathers everywhere. Or a mangled skink lizard. A lot of mice without heads. Pieces of snake. She's gutted squirrels bigger than her and presented us with the entrails. Yesterday, I come home and Snagette tells me there's a wounded chipmunk in the back yard that they saved from the cat. I go out there and put the little fella in a box to see if he'll live. He didn't. So I go outside and what do I find in the garage? We had taken one play toy away from her...so she went and got another chipmunk family member, ripped it in half and placed it lovingly on the mat at the foot of the stairs.
Stupid cat. Not there when you need it, either. Working in the yard this past weekend. I'm walking through the yard and hear this rustling in the bushes. Cat? No, the cat is 5 feet away under my car yawning. I look at the bushes and a 4 foot snake comes boogeyin' out right by my feet. Startled the shit out of me. Cat just looked at me and said, "Snake almost gotcha' didn't it?"
I hate that cat.
Cool story, bro.
Pussy knows its safe at yo house.
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One my dogs attacked and destroyed my sunglasses last night.
My fault for leaving them vulnerable. :facepalm:
not keen, they were ugly anyways though.
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Pussy knows its safe at yo house.
I ain't been bruisin' nothin' up lately.
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not keen, they were ugly anyways though.
If they weren't they are now.
He didn't think it was keen when I gave some serious thought to launching him over the fence. If I had done that I would have never have had fun with Mrs. Dallas. We have two dogs, three cats. That makes me the sixth most important thing in that house and I know that.
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If they weren't they are now.
He didn't think it was keen when I gave some serious thought to launching him over the fence. If I had done that I would have never have had fun with Mrs. Dallas. We have two dogs, three cats. That makes me the sixth most important thing in that house and I know that.
This isn't even worthy of a "cool story bro"...
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This isn't even worthy of a "cool story bro"...
An "ok story bro"?
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I hate that cat.
For some reason, our house has always been a haven for stray cats. In the 8 years we've lived there, we've probably had 8 different cats take up residence in our garage. Some will hang out for a few months, some longer but ultimately, they all wind up disappearing. We have woods next to our house so I don't know if a bobcat or a coyote or other vile creature is killing them. Welp, lost another one. Meh.
They're pretty cool for the most part. We take em' to the clinic once a year and get a rabies shot. Put a bowl of food out. They keep the rodent population down and do their own thing. But the one that's out there now.....gawt damn I'm ready to shoot that bastage. It's a little killing machine. There is rarely a day that goes by where that cat doesn't torture and maim some poor creature....in our garage. We'll walk out and there will be bird feathers everywhere. Or a mangled skink lizard. A lot of mice without heads. Pieces of snake. She's gutted squirrels bigger than her and presented us with the entrails. Yesterday, I come home and Snagette tells me there's a wounded chipmunk in the back yard that they saved from the cat. I go out there and put the little fella in a box to see if he'll live. He didn't. So I go outside and what do I find in the garage? We had taken one play toy away from her...so she went and got another chipmunk family member, ripped it in half and placed it lovingly on the mat at the foot of the stairs.
Stupid cat. Not there when you need it, either. Working in the yard this past weekend. I'm walking through the yard and hear this rustling in the bushes. Cat? No, the cat is 5 feet away under my car yawning. I look at the bushes and a 4 foot snake comes boogeyin' out right by my feet. Startled the shit out of me. Cat just looked at me and said, "Snake almost gotcha' didn't it?"
I hate that cat.
Cool story, bro.
Cat issue huh?
I take it you don't have a gun or perhaps some anti freeze handy.
F cats. Except Aubie...he's different.
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Cat issue huh?
I take it you don't have a gun or perhaps some anti freeze handy.
F cats. Except Aubie...he's different.
Can't bring myself to off a kitty, except in certain circumstances. There's one cat that lives a block or two over. He's all about inclusion and diversity because there's a line right down the middle of his face with one side of his face being solid black and the other all white. We nicknamed him Sneak-A-Peek because it looks like he's...well, you get the idea. Anyways, Sneak drops by every few days for a bowl.
Sup' Sneak?
Ain't nuthin to it. Just havin' a bowl.
Cool. Cool.
Well, this feral cat started coming around and was beating the crap out of our cat. So Sneak started hanging around to defend his bitch. They fought all the time. Went out one time and feral cat had Sneak pinned down. Grabbed a pellet gun I had in the garage and popped feral. Hit him just right cause he ran about 20 feet and clunk. Bye Bye feral. Sneak went over and kicked the carcass..
"Yeah bitch. Betchu' won't do that no more." He walked by to go get a bowl. "What'dju shoot him for? I had that shit".
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Can't bring myself to off a kitty, except in certain circumstances. There's one cat that lives a block or two over. He's all about inclusion and diversity because there's a line right down the middle of his face with one side of his face being solid black and the other all white. We nicknamed him Sneak-A-Peek because it looks like he's...well, you get the idea. Anyways, Sneak drops by every few days for a bowl.
Sup' Sneak?
Ain't nuthin to it. Just havin' a bowl.
Cool. Cool.
Well, this feral cat started coming around and was beating the crap out of our cat. So Sneak started hanging around to defend his bitch. They fought all the time. Went out one time and feral cat had Sneak pinned down. Grabbed a pellet gun I had in the garage and popped feral. Hit him just right cause he ran about 20 feet and clunk. Bye Bye feral. Sneak went over and kicked the carcass..
"Yeah bitch. Betchu' won't do that no more." He walked by to go get a bowl. "What'dju shoot him for? I had that shit".
The fact that you can carry on a conversation with a cat is very concerning.
What is your first memory of your mother?
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The fact that you can carry on a conversation with a cat is very concerning.
What is your first memory of your mother?
I ain't talkin' bout a bowl of food.
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Can't bring myself to off a kitty, except in certain circumstances. There's one cat that lives a block or two over. He's all about inclusion and diversity because there's a line right down the middle of his face with one side of his face being solid black and the other all white. We nicknamed him Sneak-A-Peek because it looks like he's...well, you get the idea. Anyways, Sneak drops by every few days for a bowl.
Sup' Sneak?
Ain't nuthin to it. Just havin' a bowl.
Cool. Cool.
Well, this feral cat started coming around and was beating the crap out of our cat. So Sneak started hanging around to defend his bitch. They fought all the time. Went out one time and feral cat had Sneak pinned down. Grabbed a pellet gun I had in the garage and popped feral. Hit him just right cause he ran about 20 feet and clunk. Bye Bye feral. Sneak went over and kicked the carcass..
"Yeah bitch. Betchu' won't do that no more." He walked by to go get a bowl. "What'dju shoot him for? I had that shit".
You need to hire a dentist
-
You need to hire a dentist
or grow a pair.
-
F cats. Except Aubie...he's different.
I love Aubie. He's so awesome. He's just so cool. He's not like those other tigers, like that tiger - that lion that was hugging that man. He's not like that. He's really nice. He's never attacked anybody.
-
The fact that you can carry on a conversation with a cat is very concerning.
What is your first memory of your mother?
I was more concerned about the talking cats and their gang wars.
-
I love Aubie. He's so awesome. He's just so cool. He's not like those other tigers, like that tiger - that lion that was hugging that man. He's not like that. He's really nice. He's never attacked anybody.
Yeah, yeah...we know he won't bite. None of 'em will.
-
Apparently, my garage continues to be wild kingdom. Big red wasp buzzing around in there this morning. My disdain for anything that buzzes and has sharp shit sticking out of their ass is well documented. There are several cans of Raid strategically placed around my house and this nasty sucker was only 5 feet from a fresh can. Picked up, aimed, fired and he dropped out of the air and landed in this spider web in the corner. (I really gotta' clean that garage) Obviously this was not a cool story, bro....until the owner of said web came creeping from behind a board towards the struggling wasp. A gawt damn black widow. A LARGE black widow.
Now I can deal with a lot of stuff, but something that can potentially kill you lurking in the corner? I guess they can kill you. That's what I always heard. Don't care, I'd die of a heart attack if one of those got on me. I had a special can of Raid for that bitch.
-
Apparently, my garage continues to be wild kingdom. Big red wasp buzzing around in there this morning. My disdain for anything that buzzes and has sharp shit sticking out of their ass is well documented. There are several cans of Raid strategically placed around my house and this nasty sucker was only 5 feet from a fresh can. Picked up, aimed, fired and he dropped out of the air and landed in this spider web in the corner. (I really gotta' clean that garage) Obviously this was not a cool story, bro....until the owner of said web came creeping from behind a board towards the struggling wasp. A gawt damn black widow. A LARGE black widow.
Now I can deal with a lot of stuff, but something that can potentially kill you lurking in the corner? I guess they can kill you. That's what I always heard. Don't care, I'd die of a heart attack if one of those got on me. I had a special can of Raid for that bitch.
Just had a discussion with my adult daughter about this Asian giant hornet that has been stalking her near the entrance of the house. Remember seeing one as far back as mid 80's. Looks like the creation of a mad entomologist. All I can say is stay clear of this devil, it's aggressive and the sting is described as feeling like a hot nail. It's also just smaller than a hummingbird. Baddest looking insect I've ever encountered. This is truly one to read up on.
-
That makes me the sixth eighth most important thing in that house and I know that.
fixt - there's a couple other things around there much more important (and fun) than you
-
Apparently, my garage continues to be wild kingdom. Big red wasp buzzing around in there this morning. My disdain for anything that buzzes and has sharp shit sticking out of their ass is well documented. There are several cans of Raid strategically placed around my house and this nasty sucker was only 5 feet from a fresh can. Picked up, aimed, fired and he dropped out of the air and landed in this spider web in the corner. (I really gotta' clean that garage) Obviously this was not a cool story, bro....until the owner of said web came creeping from behind a board towards the struggling wasp. A gawt damn black widow. A LARGE black widow.
Now I can deal with a lot of stuff, but something that can potentially kill you lurking in the corner? I guess they can kill you. That's what I always heard. Don't care, I'd die of a heart attack if one of those got on me. I had a special can of Raid for that bitch.
Well, if you sprayed the wasp well enough, that should take care of the spider if he decides to have him for lunch.
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Well, if you sprayed the wasp well enough, that should take care of the spider if he decides to have him for lunch.
It's science!
-
It's science!
And entertaining. A two-fer of death.
-
And entertaining. A two-fer of death.
You normally pay double for that kind of action.
-
Look, the black widder wouldn't have died had it eaten the wasp. The Raid I sprayed on the wasp was specific to flying insects that can kill you. Has no affect on crawling insects that can kill you.
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Look, the black widder wouldn't have died had it eaten the wasp. The Raid I sprayed on the wasp was specific to flying insects that can kill you. Has no affect on crawling insects that can kill you.
It sounds to me that a science experiment is needed to prove your hypothesis.
My money is on the statement that anything capable of taking out an ornery walst is more than capable of snuffing out a black widder.
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It sounds to me that a science experiment is needed to prove your hypothesis.
My money is on the statement that anything capable of taking out an ornery walst is more than capable of snuffing out a black widder.
Well, yeah....might as well do it and see. Then if he doesnt die, just pour some gasoline on his ass and throw a match at him.
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Just threw a punctured snake into the woods. Only about a foot long. Killer Kitty bit it and left it to suffer and writhe in the garage. Daily diary of wild animals at Snags Estates.
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Why I don't like cats.
Girl I dated briefly -- because she was fucking insane -- had one. Nice enough cat I suppose. Didn't bother me and I didn't bother it.
One day the stupid thing gets out in the road and gets himself mangled up. Back legs going which ways, just fucking tore the fuck up. Breathing hard and fast, blood bubbles coming out of its nose and mouth. The damn thing was suffering and as the only male in the vicinity, it was somehow my job to put it out of its misery. Well I couldn't stomp on the thing's head with it looking at me. So I decided to shoot it. Got the shotgun and chick freaked the fuck out. Didn't want to see it die. So I got a burlap sack out of her garage, pushed Kitty Foo Foo into it, tied off the top and carried it out across a pasture to the edge of the woods. It had enough energy to take a mean ass swipe at me as I put it in the bag, so I felt less badly about what I was about to do.
Dug a hole. Sat the bag on the ground put the shotgun about a foot away and blasted the fuck out of it. Pump action to chamber another round and I hit it again for good measure. The bag was smoking, and torn into bits. Kicked it into the hole, covered it up and pondered the poor dead kitty in a moment of silence. Deed was done, manhood intact.
About three days later there's this god awful yowling coming from her back porch. She opens the blinds to the sliding glass door and screams like the hounds of hell just exploded from her ass. It's fucking kitty foo foo. He's sitting there, legs all a-kimbo, fur in patches, eye fucked up, head creased with skin marks that go to the skull. You can see fucking bone. Pieces of skin and fur hanging in flaps. His mouth is open and he's screaming.
Apparently this miserable fuck clawed his way out of the burlap, dug out of his grave and dragged his raggedy ass all the way across the pasture, across the road and onto her porch.
I immediately broke up with her, left her driveway as fast as I could and never spoke to her again. Don't know what happened to foo foo and don't much care. I will not be in the same room as a cat ever again.
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Why I don't like cats.
Girl I dated briefly -- because she was fucking insane -- had one. Nice enough cat I suppose. Didn't bother me and I didn't bother it.
One day the stupid thing gets out in the road and gets himself mangled up. Back legs going which ways, just fucking tore the fuck up. Breathing hard and fast, blood bubbles coming out of its nose and mouth. The damn thing was suffering and as the only male in the vicinity, it was somehow my job to put it out of its misery. Well I couldn't stomp on the thing's head with it looking at me. So I decided to shoot it. Got the shotgun and chick freaked the fuck out. Didn't want to see it die. So I got a burlap sack out of her garage, pushed Kitty Foo Foo into it, tied off the top and carried it out across a pasture to the edge of the woods. It had enough energy to take a mean ass swipe at me as I put it in the bag, so I felt less badly about what I was about to do.
Dug a hole. Sat the bag on the ground put the shotgun about a foot away and blasted the fuck out of it. Pump action to chamber another round and I hit it again for good measure. The bag was smoking, and torn into bits. Kicked it into the hole, covered it up and pondered the poor dead kitty in a moment of silence. Deed was done, manhood intact.
About three days later there's this god awful yowling coming from her back porch. She opens the blinds to the sliding glass door and screams like the hounds of hell just exploded from her ass. It's fucking kitty foo foo. He's sitting there, legs all a-kimbo, fur in patches, eye fucked up, head creased with skin marks that go to the skull. You can see fucking bone. Pieces of skin and fur hanging in flaps. His mouth is open and he's screaming.
Apparently this miserable fuck clawed his way out of the burlap, dug out of his grave and dragged his raggedy ass all the way across the pasture, across the road and onto her porch.
I immediately broke up with her, left her driveway as fast as I could and never spoke to her again. Don't know what happened to foo foo and don't much care. I will not be in the same room as a cat ever again.
The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis. A man grows what he can, and he tends it.
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The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis. A man grows what he can, and he tends it.
Today is thanksgiving day for cats. But only if they came back from the dead.
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<KAOS kitty foo foo story>
Thanks for that. I needed a good laugh today.
And, oh. If we have a civil war, stay in the back with the planners.
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Walking Dead Pussy on Discovery Channel.
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Walking Dead Pussy on Discovery Channel.
My ex-wife is on TV?
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The soil of a man's heart is stonier, Louis. A man grows what he can, and he tends it.
Timing wise, this cat clawed back from the dead in 1986 I think. Might have been '85.
That book came out in 1989 and it was like King had crawled in my head and extracted a nightmare.
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Reason #2 I don't like cats. From the 1980 archives.
Dated the same girl from middle of junior year up until two years out of high school. My girlfriend had this friend, and there was something about her. I wanted into that so bad. But no, she wouldn't violate the friendship even on the few times there were opportunities. I tried every angle, every move, every ruse I could think of. And oh, the friend knew it. It was cat and coy mouse.
Well one weekend the girlfriend was gone. Away with the family on a two-week vacation. I was house sitting. No, this wasn't the year I got drunk with her older sister while keeping the house and violated every room in the place. This was another summer.
I worked my best magic and convinced the friend to go with me to some event I can't even remember that was way out in the country. Under the guise of "keeping me from getting in trouble" she went along. A little drink, a little dancing, a little this and a little that and she caught a nice buzz. Things were progressing well and she finally relented. Agreed to pack up the liquor, go back to the girlfriend's house and whatever happened just happened. Hit the Mustang running and the girl was purring. She was leaned over the seat, touching and nuzzling. Wanting to be touched and nuzzled back.
And then:
"Oh, no, look out for the cat!"
There was a fucking cat darting into the road. I was hot, my brain a little fuzzy from the contact and the Mustang was flying up the two-lane. I saw the cat, calculated it's speed, determined that it would be close to the center line as I got there and made the instantaneous decision to swerve to the right and scrape the shoulder. Goosed the gas just a bit to make sure I wasn't going to slew.
And that fucking piece of shit cat looked up at the headlights, panicked and spun back the other way. When I saw its shiny, frightened orbs I knew what the bitch was going to do. So I tapped the brakes just a bit, enough to start the back end to slide, cut the wheels, jammed the gas and snarled toward the left side of the road.
Just as the cat reversed field again.
I centered the motherfucker. Ka-WHUMP front tire. Ka-WHUMP back tire.
She screams at me to stop the car, snatching at the blouse to begin the rebuttoning process. I jam the brakes and slide to a stop. She bolts from the car, and I see deep into the blouse as she turns away, the bra so gently cupping her delicate breasts. I'm still sitting in the car trying to deconstruct what just happened when I hear her wail....
It's DEAD, it's DEAD!
And it was most definitely dead. The head of the thing looked like a pumpkin that had been hit repeatedly with a baseball bat. There was a deep recess in the body with a tire print across it. Bowels had exploded out its ass and made a Rorschach test on the pavement. Nobody was bringing this thing back. It was gone.
This girl I wanted so, so badly looks up at me with tears spilling down her face (and I wanted her even more in that moment). Then her face turns into a mask of rage. She points a crooked finger at me and shrieks "You did that on PURPOSE! You swerved just so you could hit the cat! How could you?"
I'm standing there with a rapidly fading chub, flabbergasted that she didn't recognize my superb driving skills as a desperate attempt to avoid hitting the kitty. A little aggravated that I got no credit for performing that miraculous piece of stunt driving with one hand as my other was initially involved in exploring her taut midsection.
But no, I'm the dastardly kitty killer.
I tried and tried to convince her that I did my best to keep from hitting it, I couldn't anticipate the changes in direction it made. She eventually calmed down, said she understood and didn't blame me, but also asked if I could just take her home. The buzz was gone. The mood was ruined.
The kitty killed my pussy. Fucker. I never got close to that again.
She told me a few days later that while she was sorry the cat died, it probably prevented her from messing things up for me because if we'd done what we were going to do she'd have been obligated to tell my girlfriend out of respect.
And then she told her anyway "what we almost did".
I managed to play that off. "No, baby. She was so drunk. I was taking her home because some skanky guys were hitting on her and I was trying to do the right thing. She tried to make a little bit of a move on me and I told her absolutely not, but you know how she gets when she drinks. Then I killed a stupid cat by accident because I was having to deal with her. She got all pissed off about it and is probably just saying shit because of that. Yeah, she tried to make a move, but she was drunk and I didn't think anything about it. Don't be mad at her baby, she didn't mean anything. It was just the booze talking. I didn't want to tell you because you're such good friends and it was no big deal."
Kept the girlfriend temporarily. But that thing that I wanted was lost to me forever.
-
Kaos slayed a pussy but got none story.
:pics:
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:pics:
I can send you a pic of the chub. Just give me a few to work it up.
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I can send you a pic of the chub. Just give me a few to work it up.
There goes lunch
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I read the story and was interested but don't like the abrupt ending. Leaves the reader wondering. Did you fuck the dead cat or not?
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I can send you a pic of the chub. Just give me a few blue pills to work it up.
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Cool story, bro.
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Reason #2 I don't like cats. From the 1980 archives.
Dated the same girl from middle of junior year up until two years out of high school. My girlfriend had this friend, and there was something about her. I wanted into that so bad. But no, she wouldn't violate the friendship even on the few times there were opportunities. I tried every angle, every move, every ruse I could think of. And oh, the friend knew it. It was cat and coy mouse.
Well one weekend the girlfriend was gone. Away with the family on a two-week vacation. I was house sitting. No, this wasn't the year I got drunk with her older sister while keeping the house and violated every room in the place. This was another summer.
I worked my best magic and convinced the friend to go with me to some event I can't even remember that was way out in the country. Under the guise of "keeping me from getting in trouble" she went along. A little drink, a little dancing, a little this and a little that and she caught a nice buzz. Things were progressing well and she finally relented. Agreed to pack up the liquor, go back to the girlfriend's house and whatever happened just happened. Hit the Mustang running and the girl was purring. She was leaned over the seat, touching and nuzzling. Wanting to be touched and nuzzled back.
And then:
"Oh, no, look out for the cat!"
There was a fucking cat darting into the road. I was hot, my brain a little fuzzy from the contact and the Mustang was flying up the two-lane. I saw the cat, calculated it's speed, determined that it would be close to the center line as I got there and made the instantaneous decision to swerve to the right and scrape the shoulder. Goosed the gas just a bit to make sure I wasn't going to slew.
And that fucking piece of shit cat looked up at the headlights, panicked and spun back the other way. When I saw its shiny, frightened orbs I knew what the bitch was going to do. So I tapped the brakes just a bit, enough to start the back end to slide, cut the wheels, jammed the gas and snarled toward the left side of the road.
Just as the cat reversed field again.
I centered the motherfucker. Ka-WHUMP front tire. Ka-WHUMP back tire.
She screams at me to stop the car, snatching at the blouse to begin the rebuttoning process. I jam the brakes and slide to a stop. She bolts from the car, and I see deep into the blouse as she turns away, the bra so gently cupping her delicate breasts. I'm still sitting in the car trying to deconstruct what just happened when I hear her wail....
It's DEAD, it's DEAD!
And it was most definitely dead. The head of the thing looked like a pumpkin that had been hit repeatedly with a baseball bat. There was a deep recess in the body with a tire print across it. Bowels had exploded out its ass and made a Rorschach test on the pavement. Nobody was bringing this thing back. It was gone.
This girl I wanted so, so badly looks up at me with tears spilling down her face (and I wanted her even more in that moment). Then her face turns into a mask of rage. She points a crooked finger at me and shrieks "You did that on PURPOSE! You swerved just so you could hit the cat! How could you?"
I'm standing there with a rapidly fading chub, flabbergasted that she didn't recognize my superb driving skills as a desperate attempt to avoid hitting the kitty. A little aggravated that I got no credit for performing that miraculous piece of stunt driving with one hand as my other was initially involved in exploring her taut midsection.
But no, I'm the dastardly kitty killer.
I tried and tried to convince her that I did my best to keep from hitting it, I couldn't anticipate the changes in direction it made. She eventually calmed down, said she understood and didn't blame me, but also asked if I could just take her home. The buzz was gone. The mood was ruined.
The kitty killed my pussy. Fucker. I never got close to that again.
She told me a few days later that while she was sorry the cat died, it probably prevented her from messing things up for me because if we'd done what we were going to do she'd have been obligated to tell my girlfriend out of respect.
And then she told her anyway "what we almost did".
I managed to play that off. "No, baby. She was so drunk. I was taking her home because some skanky guys were hitting on her and I was trying to do the right thing. She tried to make a little bit of a move on me and I told her absolutely not, but you know how she gets when she drinks. Then I killed a stupid cat by accident because I was having to deal with her. She got all pissed off about it and is probably just saying shit because of that. Yeah, she tried to make a move, but she was drunk and I didn't think anything about it. Don't be mad at her baby, she didn't mean anything. It was just the booze talking. I didn't want to tell you because you're such good friends and it was no big deal."
Kept the girlfriend temporarily. But that thing that I wanted was lost to me forever.
You fuckers can say what you want, that is a great piece of literature.
-
So basically Kaos is batting .500 murdering pussy.
-
You fuckers can say what you want, that is a great piece of literature.
Damn, I was begining to think you had fallen off the face of the earth, but when I saw you the other day, I knew you had just fallen off the wagon. Welcome back!!
And yes, I can picture the hate for that cat when that stupid think make it's second (and last) decision to juke back. I'm with you, I HATE cats!!
-
Monday I played golf. Shot an 87. Played well for stretches and then just destroyed myself with 7's on two par fours. Fucking sevens. But I digress.
I've got an AU bag. The guy I play with most often has an LSU bag. So we're at the turn and this bozo is coming out of the clubhouse.
"Hay, Aubren looked pretty good for a while on Sattidy but it got spooky there at the end, di'int it. What happen to LSU, ya'll ain't gonna get no warmup afore ye play them Bulldoggies, huh?"
Neither me nor my friend are what you'd call sociable. I don't want to talk to random fucks about football. I don't need some jimmy jim jam analysis of Auburn's game and my friend doesn't care to hear shit or jack from some goober gourd head.
So we just semi acknowledge the guy with "yeah, was a tough game" and "can't do much about lightning.." and kept moving.
Well the bastard followed us back into the clubhouse.
"Hay, did ya'll see that Tennessee game? We got us a for real quarterback up thar now. I been watching football for a long, long time and that was probly the single best pefformance I ever done seen from a quarterback. That boy's the real deal."
Consider that we started playing at 6:45 and he was loading up this shit before 9 am. Consider that we're not exactly sociable. Consider that it's early, it's already getting hot and I'm hungry.
I look at my friend, he looks at me and then he starts it.
"Come on, man, ya'll were playing some rinky dink team. Who was it? Blowing Greens? And you've never seen a better quarterback performance? Have you ever heard of Tim Tebow? Or Cam Newton? Or Johnny Manziel?"
He's starting to steam a little. So I piled on.
"Seriously, dude. That porn moustache guy at Ole Miss had a better day on the SAME DAY ya'll were farting around with Browning Green and looking bad doing it."
Hayull, boys, Bowling Green's a pretty good team. Wasn't it them that was almost in the national championship a few years ago when Auburn was up there and didn't go? And I'm telling you, Josh Dobbs put on a clinic.
My friend says "He needs to take his freaky ass to the eyebrow clinic. That's what needs to happen."
Conversation over.
-
Monday I played golf. Shot an 87. Played well for stretches and then just destroyed myself with 7's on two par fours. Fucking sevens. But I digress.
I've got an AU bag. The guy I play with most often has an LSU bag. So we're at the turn and this bozo is coming out of the clubhouse.
"Hay, Aubren looked pretty good for a while on Sattidy but it got spooky there at the end, di'int it. What happen to LSU, ya'll ain't gonna get no warmup afore ye play them Bulldoggies, huh?"
Neither me nor my friend are what you'd call sociable. I don't want to talk to random fucks about football. I don't need some jimmy jim jam analysis of Auburn's game and my friend doesn't care to hear shit or jack from some goober gourd head.
So we just semi acknowledge the guy with "yeah, was a tough game" and "can't do much about lightning.." and kept moving.
Well the bastard followed us back into the clubhouse.
"Hay, did ya'll see that Tennessee game? We got us a for real quarterback up thar now. I been watching football for a long, long time and that was probly the single best pefformance I ever done seen from a quarterback. That boy's the real deal."
Consider that we started playing at 6:45 and he was loading up this shit before 9 am. Consider that we're not exactly sociable. Consider that it's early, it's already getting hot and I'm hungry.
I look at my friend, he looks at me and then he starts it.
"Come on, man, ya'll were playing some rinky dink team. Who was it? Blowing Greens? And you've never seen a better quarterback performance? Have you ever heard of Tim Tebow? Or Cam Newton? Or Johnny Manziel?"
He's starting to steam a little. So I piled on.
"Seriously, dude. That porn moustache guy at Ole Miss had a better day on the SAME DAY ya'll were farting around with Browning Green and looking bad doing it."
Hayull, boys, Bowling Green's a pretty good team. Wasn't it them that was almost in the national championship a few years ago when Auburn was up there and didn't go? And I'm telling you, Josh Dobbs put on a clinic.
My friend says "He needs to take his freaky ass to the eyebrow clinic. That's what needs to happen."
Conversation over.
I had jury duty yesterday, Cancelled it by sending it back in that I was taking care of someone one.
Still skipped work.
I played 36 on two of the better (semi-private) courses around here. Sweated much. Still waiting on fall around here. :thumsup:
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I don't want to talk to random fucks about football. I don't need some jimmy jim jam analysis of Auburn's game and my friend doesn't care to hear shit or jack from some goober gourd head.
As you continue to argue football with some on this site,
I could not in good faith read the rest.
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As you continue to argue football with some on this site,
I could not in good faith read the rest.
You might be a random fuck, however Kaos knows I am not.
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You might be a random fuck, however Kaos knows I am not.
I didn't mind being called a random fuck but the goober gourd head was taking things a little far, imo. I'm not speaking to him right now.
-
Hope it wasn't one of you.
So yesterday about 30 minutes before closing, we get a call here at the office. They put the call through to me because this lady is saying she's calling to advise that the power company is coming out within the hour to shut off the juice for non-payment. First off, I know if this is fo realz, it's a huge mistake because we have an office manager that lives to account for every dime. She's already gone home so I'm arguing with this lady and telling her she'd better reverse that order or their will be consequences. I'm a District Manager. I drive a Dodge Stratus.
But she never waivers. "Sir, I have no authority to do that. I'm simply a dispatcher and my job is to call you and advise that you can have your service restored by going in the office from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and..."
Lady, I'm telling you if this power gets cut off, we'll have a suit served on you the next day.
Sir, you do what you have to do, my job is simply to...
Hang up and immediately call the utilities office. Zero balance. Never so much as a late fee in almost 14 years. Been pranked.
Go back and pull up the number. 251 area code. Hmmm....that ain't from around here. So I call it. "Michael" answers. I dentify myself and ask him to explain why someone called here and told us our power was about to be cut off. He plays dumb. I gave him the ole "If anyone from this office ever calls this number again...we'll have the police...harassing communications...legal words...legal words... hang up.
Rrrrrriiinng.....
Are you seriously calling this number back?
It's me, Michael. I'm right here. You said you'd call the cops. I'm waiting.
Dude, ain't nobody got time fo dat. Click.
Everyone's gone from the office. I start shutting everything down and headed for the door. Rrrrriiinnng....I'll let the answering machine get it. So I listen to Michael's message. Michael has apparently already done 6 bong hits this afternoon and is sipping on tekwila. He's laughing like Butthead in between sentences. By the end of his diatribe, I've got tears I'm laughing so hard. And by his opening line, it's obvious he knows me.
Beeeep. Hey Ball-sack. It's Michael again. Huh huh huh. I'm still waiting on the cops. Huh huh...You said you were calling them. I don't seeeee them, ball-sack. Huh huh huh. Uuumm yeah... Call the cops. They'd never come anyway. Huh huh....too busy eatin' doughnuts. Lazy bastards. Cops. Get a real fucking job. Sit on their lazy, fat asses all day eating doughnuts. Huh huh huh. Cops. Fuckers. Sooo...yeah. Click.
So, I called the cops. Srsly, had a buddy of mine who's a long time policeman, come by this morning and listen to it. Gave him the number and what I had. Told him to have at it if he's so inclined.
Ball-sack. I chortled all night about that one.
-
Oh shit.
-
Godfather and I had the day off yesterday so we had a little fun. Sorry man. Or sue us fucker....I mean, don't really because I know you will.
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Godfather and I had the day off yesterday so we had a little fun. Sorry man. Or sue us fucker....I mean, don't really because I know you will.
That's a real possibility. See, before we make the decision to light someone up, we have to know if there's anything to "get". And since I know you drive a Frank Beamer and have a big ole F-150...well, we already know we're dealing with a baller and shot caller.
GF has a boat. Daddy like.
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That's a real possibility. See, before we make the decision to light someone up, we have to know if there's anything to "get". And since I know you drive a Frank Beamer and have a big ole F-150...well, we already know we're dealing with a baller and shot caller.
GF has a boat. Daddy like.
Except they're outside of Alabama
(amberlamps hits that state line, and snaggs calls off the chase and turns the sexpedition around back to circle city)
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Except they're outside of Alabama
(amberlamps hits that state line, and snaggs calls off the chase and turns the sexpedition around back to circle city)
Oh Contraire, mon amaire. The long arm of the Snags.....and his new Ford F150 Lariat will light your ass up wherever you are.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0IQCLQDfKw
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Holy Fawkin' Shit, Jay. What thuh fuck is that shit. We're callin' the Coast God.
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Holy Fawkin' Shit, Jay. What thuh fuck is that shit. We're callin' the Coast God.
After the 242nd "Jay", I would have thrown his ass in the wata!
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Holy Fawkin' Shit, Jay. What thuh fuck is that shit. We're callin' the Coast God.
Jay it's a tunar
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Police Lives Matter
In my truck this weekend, driving through town. Got lit up by the police. Pull over. Cop comes to the door with a flashlight.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Not really. I wasn't speeding, got my seatbelt on, all squared away.
Cop: You know you don't have a tag?
Me: Yeah, I bought this truck less than two weeks ago. Waiting on the paperwork from the dealership so I can go get one.
Cop: Ok. I'm gonna need the sales paperwork, your license and an insurance card.
Me: Not a problem.
Cop is gone for a good five minutes, lights raging behind me.
Cop: Ok, this all checks out. You're well within your 30 days to get a tag, but I'm still going to have to write you up.
Me: Seriously?
Cop: Yeah. Since I made a stop, I have to do the paperwork. So I'm going to write it up. When you get the tag, just send a copy of the receipt in and it'll all be fine.
Me: Now hold on a minute. I haven't violated any laws, I've done everything right and you're STILL going to write me up?
Cop: Because I stopped you.
Me: So you can just hand out citations for people who are following the law? Like that guy that just passed, stop him because he isn't speeding, but give him a citation in case he does? And he can send in proof he didn't speed when he gets home? Are you kidding me?
Cop: I stopped you for no tag. I have to write it up.
Me: I can't GET a FUCKING tag because I don't have the paperwork yet. I didn't break any laws. There's nothing to write.
Cop: You can just consider it a reminder. Like a warning in case you don't. Then we have it documented. I need you to sign here.
Me: I'm not signing a GOD damn thing.
Everybody else in the truck: Sweet Jesus, just sign it! Don't start something! Please, sign it, let's get out of here! Sign it! Sign it!
Cop: I'd do what they say. We don't have to have a problem here.
Me: Fine. I'll sign it. If I didn't have people in the truck we could have all the problem you want. I'm signing it under protest. I want your motherfucking name and badge number, because this is fucking BULLSHIT.
Cop: It's all on the paperwork. Have a good evening.
I signed it Fuckatroid McGoo. He didn't notice.
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Waiting on the paperwork from the dealership so I can go get one.
The couldn't transfer your tag from the car you traded in?
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Police Lives Matter
In my truck this weekend, driving through town. Got lit up by the police. Pull over. Cop comes to the door with a flashlight.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Not really. I wasn't speeding, got my seatbelt on, all squared away.
Cop: You know you don't have a tag?
Me: Yeah, I bought this truck less than two weeks ago. Waiting on the paperwork from the dealership so I can go get one.
Cop: Ok. I'm gonna need the sales paperwork, your license and an insurance card.
Me: Not a problem.
Cop is gone for a good five minutes, lights raging behind me.
Cop: Ok, this all checks out. You're well within your 30 days to get a tag, but I'm still going to have to write you up.
Me: Seriously?
Cop: Yeah. Since I made a stop, I have to do the paperwork. So I'm going to write it up. When you get the tag, just send a copy of the receipt in and it'll all be fine.
Me: Now hold on a minute. I haven't violated any laws, I've done everything right and you're STILL going to write me up?
Cop: Because I stopped you.
Me: So you can just hand out citations for people who are following the law? Like that guy that just passed, stop him because he isn't speeding, but give him a citation in case he does? And he can send in proof he didn't speed when he gets home? Are you kidding me?
Cop: I stopped you for no tag. I have to write it up.
Me: I can't GET a FUCKING tag because I don't have the paperwork yet. I didn't break any laws. There's nothing to write.
Cop: You can just consider it a reminder. Like a warning in case you don't. Then we have it documented. I need you to sign here.
Me: I'm not signing a GOD damn thing.
Everybody else in the truck: Sweet Jesus, just sign it! Don't start something! Please, sign it, let's get out of here! Sign it! Sign it!
Cop: I'd do what they say. We don't have to have a problem here.
Me: Fine. I'll sign it. If I didn't have people in the truck we could have all the problem you want. I'm signing it under protest. I want your motherfucking name and badge number, because this is fucking BULLSHIT.
Cop: It's all on the paperwork. Have a good evening.
I signed it Fuckatroid McGoo. He didn't notice.
He prolly smelled tomato on your breath.
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The couldn't transfer your tag from the car you traded in?
Was my month to renew. So no.
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Was my month to renew. So no.
Sounds like it was definitely that "renewal" time of the month for you (That weren't tomato runnin down his leg)
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Hope it wasn't one of you.
So yesterday about 30 minutes before closing, we get a call here at the office. They put the call through to me because this lady is saying she's calling to advise that the power company is coming out within the hour to shut off the juice for non-payment. First off, I know if this is fo realz, it's a huge mistake because we have an office manager that lives to account for every dime. She's already gone home so I'm arguing with this lady and telling her she'd better reverse that order or their will be consequences. I'm a District Manager. I drive a Dodge Stratus.
But she never waivers. "Sir, I have no authority to do that. I'm simply a dispatcher and my job is to call you and advise that you can have your service restored by going in the office from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and..."
Lady, I'm telling you if this power gets cut off, we'll have a suit served on you the next day.
Sir, you do what you have to do, my job is simply to...
Hang up and immediately call the utilities office. Zero balance. Never so much as a late fee in almost 14 years. Been pranked.
Go back and pull up the number. 251 area code. Hmmm....that ain't from around here. So I call it. "Michael" answers. I dentify myself and ask him to explain why someone called here and told us our power was about to be cut off. He plays dumb. I gave him the ole "If anyone from this office ever calls this number again...we'll have the police...harassing communications...legal words...legal words... hang up.
Rrrrrriiinng.....
Are you seriously calling this number back?
It's me, Michael. I'm right here. You said you'd call the cops. I'm waiting.
Dude, ain't nobody got time fo dat. Click.
Everyone's gone from the office. I start shutting everything down and headed for the door. Rrrrriiinnng....I'll let the answering machine get it. So I listen to Michael's message. Michael has apparently already done 6 bong hits this afternoon and is sipping on tekwila. He's laughing like Butthead in between sentences. By the end of his diatribe, I've got tears I'm laughing so hard. And by his opening line, it's obvious he knows me.
Beeeep. Hey Ball-sack. It's Michael again. Huh huh huh. I'm still waiting on the cops. Huh huh...You said you were calling them. I don't seeeee them, ball-sack. Huh huh huh. Uuumm yeah... Call the cops. They'd never come anyway. Huh huh....too busy eatin' doughnuts. Lazy bastards. Cops. Get a real fucking job. Sit on their lazy, fat asses all day eating doughnuts. Huh huh huh. Cops. Fuckers. Sooo...yeah. Click.
So, I called the cops. Srsly, had a buddy of mine who's a long time policeman, come by this morning and listen to it. Gave him the number and what I had. Told him to have at it if he's so inclined.
Ball-sack. I chortled all night about that one.
But...I thought we were in the trust tree?
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crazy.
new car purchase for OR, unless you have a gay ass personalized tag such as "Stewie", the dealer gives you a paper temporary until the bling comes from the DMV.
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crazy.
new car purchase for OR, unless you have a gay ass personalized tag such as "Stewie", the dealer gives you a paper temporary until the bling comes from the DMV.
It's STEWY, bitch
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It's STEWY, bitch
I thought you were the ASSMAN.
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crazy.
new car purchase for OR, unless you have a gay ass personalized tag such as "Stewie", the dealer gives you a paper temporary until the bling comes from the DMV.
I got the gay ass personalized AU tag that says KAOS
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Weep for Murica. If you ever wonder why Ms. South Carolina's answer went:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa....
it may not have just been a case of nerves. Several years back, they still had actual music stores where you could buy these disc thingies that you inserted into a device and it played music. Primitive, I know. But I had heard this song and didn't know who did it. The song was simply named "Birmingham". I asked the dude at the counter, "Do you know who sings the song, Birmingham". (Old song by Amanda Marshall)
Pimple faced dude starts tapping the keys...looks up at me and asks...."You mean like, the State?"
Uh huh! :facepalm: I wept for our future.
Tonight, the wife asks if we have any delicious coke product. I look. Nope. Now, I despise a Dollar General almost as much as a Wal Marks, but they did put one in 1/4 mile from my house and I admit, that sucker has saved my ass more than a few times. I hopped in the new Ford F-150 (More about that later) and dashed to the DG. Grab a 6'er of delicious coke product in Sprite form, and a 6'er of DCP in Coke form. Put the 2 6-packs on the counter and this 5'6" 142 pound, tatted up, porn-stached Einstein starts scanning.
I hear him go "Oh my, it's making me scan each one individually." I'm talking with a neighbor and not really paying attention. Boop....Beep....Boop...Boop...Beep...Boop. Next 6'er same thing. 6 more boopie beeps through the scanner. I turn to him with a $20 extended.
That'll be $42.10.
No!
He looks at the ticket. "Yeah, it says $42.10"
No!
Well, each of these are....
No! Let me ask you something. Would YOU pay $42.10 for 2 six packs of delicious coke product?
Well, umm...it says...
No!
Let me call my manager. Hey could you come up here and clear something up?
Girl in her 20's walks up with a phone to her ear. "What's the problem?"
He shows her the drinks. Shows her the ticket. She takes the phone from her ear...looks at him in utter disgust and says...
No! Brushes him off and straightens it out. Sorry sir, that'll be $5.35.
As I put my change in my wallet, Einstein scans the next persons can of Pillsbury Fluffy Bake Biscuits....and promptly puts it in my bag of DCP.
:facepalm: I wept for our future.
Cool stories, bro..
Damn good biscuits, though.
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I wept for our future.
(http://media.vintagecotton.com/shirt/191/cam03.gif)
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Weep for Murica. If you ever wonder why Ms. South Carolina's answer went:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa....
it may not have just been a case of nerves. Several years back, they still had actual music stores where you could buy these disc thingies that you inserted into a device and it played music. Primitive, I know. But I had heard this song and didn't know who did it. The song was simply named "Birmingham". I asked the dude at the counter, "Do you know who sings the song, Birmingham". (Old song by Amanda Marshall)
Pimple faced dude starts tapping the keys...looks up at me and asks...."You mean like, the State?"
Uh huh! :facepalm: I wept for our future.
Tonight, the wife asks if we have any delicious coke product. I look. Nope. Now, I despise a Dollar General almost as much as a Wal Marks, but they did put one in 1/4 mile from my house and I admit, that sucker has saved my ass more than a few times. I hopped in the new Ford F-150 (More about that later) and dashed to the DG. Grab a 6'er of delicious coke product in Sprite form, and a 6'er of DCP in Coke form. Put the 2 6-packs on the counter and this 5'6" 142 pound, tatted up, porn-stached Einstein starts scanning.
I hear him go "Oh my, it's making me scan each one individually." I'm talking with a neighbor and not really paying attention. Boop....Beep....Boop...Boop...Beep...Boop. Next 6'er same thing. 6 more boopie beeps through the scanner. I turn to him with a $20 extended.
That'll be $42.10.
No!
He looks at the ticket. "Yeah, it says $42.10"
No!
Well, each of these are....
No! Let me ask you something. Would YOU pay $42.10 for 2 six packs of delicious coke product?
Well, umm...it says...
No!
Let me call my manager. Hey could you come up here and clear something up?
Girl in her 20's walks up with a phone to her ear. "What's the problem?"
He shows her the drinks. Shows her the ticket. She takes the phone from her ear...looks at him in utter disgust and says...
No! Brushes him off and straightens it out. Sorry sir, that'll be $5.35.
As I put my change in my wallet, Einstein scans the next persons can of Pillsbury Fluffy Bake Biscuits....and promptly puts it in my bag of DCP.
:facepalm: I wept for our future.
Cool stories, bro..
Damn good biscuits, though.
Baby steps, my brother! Look on the bright side; he learned a lesson from your encounter. He didn't scan each biscuit in the sleeve individually.
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Baby steps, my brother! Look on the bright side; he learned a lesson from your encounter. He didn't scan each biscuit in the sleeve individually.
That'll be $27.50.
No!
Well..the ticket says the biscuits are $4.85 a piece so...
No!
Hey, could you come up here and clear something up?
-
Weep for Murica. If you ever wonder why Ms. South Carolina's answer went:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa....
it may not have just been a case of nerves. Several years back, they still had actual music stores where you could buy these disc thingies that you inserted into a device and it played music. Primitive, I know. But I had heard this song and didn't know who did it. The song was simply named "Birmingham". I asked the dude at the counter, "Do you know who sings the song, Birmingham". (Old song by Amanda Marshall)
Pimple faced dude starts tapping the keys...looks up at me and asks...."You mean like, the State?"
Uh huh! :facepalm: I wept for our future.
Tonight, the wife asks if we have any delicious coke product. I look. Nope. Now, I despise a Dollar General almost as much as a Wal Marks, but they did put one in 1/4 mile from my house and I admit, that sucker has saved my ass more than a few times. I hopped in the new Ford F-150 (More about that later) and dashed to the DG. Grab a 6'er of delicious coke product in Sprite form, and a 6'er of DCP in Coke form. Put the 2 6-packs on the counter and this 5'6" 142 pound, tatted up, porn-stached Einstein starts scanning.
I hear him go "Oh my, it's making me scan each one individually." I'm talking with a neighbor and not really paying attention. Boop....Beep....Boop...Boop...Beep...Boop. Next 6'er same thing. 6 more boopie beeps through the scanner. I turn to him with a $20 extended.
That'll be $42.10.
No!
He looks at the ticket. "Yeah, it says $42.10"
No!
Well, each of these are....
No! Let me ask you something. Would YOU pay $42.10 for 2 six packs of delicious coke product?
Well, umm...it says...
No!
Let me call my manager. Hey could you come up here and clear something up?
Girl in her 20's walks up with a phone to her ear. "What's the problem?"
He shows her the drinks. Shows her the ticket. She takes the phone from her ear...looks at him in utter disgust and says...
No! Brushes him off and straightens it out. Sorry sir, that'll be $5.35.
As I put my change in my wallet, Einstein scans the next persons can of Pillsbury Fluffy Bake Biscuits....and promptly puts it in my bag of DCP.
:facepalm: I wept for our future.
Cool stories, bro..
Damn good biscuits, though.
I'm not sure which is worse...the kid having a duh moment or the adult buying Diet Coke for mixing with Bourbon. I wept for the bourbon.
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I'm not sure which is worse...the kid having a duh moment or the adult buying Diet Coke for mixing with Bourbon. I wept for the bourbon.
God, you are such a bitch. Did I say anything about mixing Diet Delicious Coke Product with bourbon?
Hmmm?
Well?
Who mixes Diet DCP with anything? Only the good stuff socializes with my ice cubes and Pappy Van Winkle.
-
So I'm stuck in Arkansas at a conference. Staying at an Embassy Suites. That alone is an assload of suckage.
My room is on the second floor. Directly over the atrium. They are doing karaoke or some shit down there. It's so fucking loud. I've heard woo-pig-sooey about a dozen times. The fuck...
So I turn the TV up, order Straight Outta Compton on the TV and try to drown that shit out.
About 6:30 I order dinner. Ribeye, redskin potatoes, green beans. She says 20 minutes.
7:15. No food. I try to call. Rings and rings and rings. Nobody answers. Call the front desk. No answer. Walk out in the hall. Atrium full.
7:45. No food. No answer.
8:30. No food. No answer.
9:00. No food. No answer. I let the damn thing ring 78 times.
9:15. Phone rings. Room service guy says they're sorry but they were running low on ribeyes and had to take one out of the freezer to thaw. Will be up shortly. Would I like a free dessert to make up for the delay?
Fuck NO, I don't want a free dessert. I wanted my food like three hours ago.
9:42. Room service arrives. The guy is black and wonders aloud why I'm watching Straight Outta Compton because he didn't know it was on TV yet.
The check is for the full amount. No discount. I scratch out the amount, write "I refuse to pay this bill" on it, sign it and give the guy $5 for bringing it up.
Take off the lid. Steak. No potatoes. No green beans. The steak is fucking cold. Not even close to warm. And inedible. I tried a few bites and it tasted like somebody had rubbed it on a gangrenous alley cat's ass. It was awful. Tried to call room service to bitch. Phone rang and rang. Nobody answered.
10:30. Ordered a fucking pizza. Will be here in 45 minutes.
EDIT:
Pizza showed up at quarter to 12. I have a meeting at 8 a.m. And an awful case of heartburn. It's 1:35 and I can't sleep.
-
So I'm stuck in Arkansas at a conference. Staying at an Embassy Suites. That alone is an assload of suckage.
My room is on the second floor. Directly over the atrium. They are doing karaoke or some shit down there. It's so fucking loud. I've heard woo-pig-sooey about a dozen times. The fuck...
So I turn the TV up, order Straight Outta Compton on the TV and try to drown that shit out.
About 6:30 I order dinner. Ribeye, redskin potatoes, green beans. She says 20 minutes.
7:15. No food. I try to call. Rings and rings and rings. Nobody answers. Call the front desk. No answer. Walk out in the hall. Atrium full.
7:45. No food. No answer.
8:30. No food. No answer.
9:00. No food. No answer. I let the damn thing ring 78 times.
9:15. Phone rings. Room service guy says they're sorry but they were running low on ribeyes and had to take one out of the freezer to thaw. Will be up shortly. Would I like a free dessert to make up for the delay?
Fuck NO, I don't want a free dessert. I wanted my food like three hours ago.
9:42. Room service arrives. The guy is black and wonders aloud why I'm watching Straight Outta Compton because he didn't know it was on TV yet.
The check is for the full amount. No discount. I scratch out the amount, write "I refuse to pay this bill" on it, sign it and give the guy $5 for bringing it up.
Take off the lid. Steak. No potatoes. No green beans. The steak is fucking cold. Not even close to warm. And inedible. I tried a few bites and it tasted like somebody had rubbed it on a gangrenous alley cat's ass. It was awful. Tried to call room service to bitch. Phone rang and rang. Nobody answered.
10:30. Ordered a fucking pizza. Will be here in 45 minutes.
EDIT:
Pizza showed up at quarter to 12. I have a meeting at 8 a.m. And an awful case of heartburn. It's 1:35 and I can't sleep.
Bitch to corporate and the general manager of the hotel, and theaten to slander their name all over Yelp and all of the other travel sites, and you'll get a shitload of stuff for free. Just saying.