Joke of the Day

djsimp · « **on:** January 09, 2012, 02:50:14 PM »

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

And sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

GH2001 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 09, 2012, 02:58:33 PM »

I bet Sani likes that joke.

Saniflush · « **Reply #2 on:** January 09, 2012, 03:35:57 PM »

Quote from: GH2001 on January 09, 2012, 02:58:33 PM

I bet Sani likes that joke.

I would say those of you who are married would like it more.

AUTiger1 · « **Reply #3 on:** January 09, 2012, 03:56:35 PM »

djsimp · « **Reply #4 on:** February 22, 2012, 08:45:30 AM »

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said,"Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #5 on:** February 22, 2012, 08:48:59 AM »

That one is great.

GarMan · « **Reply #6 on:** February 22, 2012, 10:47:54 AM »

Quote from: Buzz Killington on February 22, 2012, 08:48:59 AM

That one is great.

Wives are so versatile...

djsimp · « **Reply #7 on:** February 22, 2012, 10:49:05 AM »

Quote from: GarMan on February 22, 2012, 10:47:54 AM

Wives are so versatile...

Aren't they though.

Godfather · « **Reply #8 on:** February 23, 2012, 01:03:56 PM »

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.

They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #9 on:** February 23, 2012, 01:17:58 PM »

2nd joke of the day.

A guy has been dating this girl and this is the night he meets her parents for dinner at her house. Problem is, he has terrible gas. He tries all through dinner to suppress these monster farts and finally, after dinner, he walks into the den where there's nobody around except Duke, the family dog. He sits down in a chair beside the dog and sees his chance.

He raises up and lets loose a cheesey blaster. The smell is awful and wouldn't you know it, here comes dad through the door. It's obvious the odor hits dad in the face as soon as he comes in. Dad looks at the dog sternly, "Duuuuuke" Whoa, he thinks the dog did it. I'm golden. So every time he gets the urge, he eeks one out. "Damn it, Duke".

This happens several more times before he lets out the mother of all pungent farts.

"Damn it, Duke.....MOVE before he shits all over you!!!"

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #10 on:** March 01, 2012, 11:20:08 AM »

In the local pub one night, they were having a contest to see who could make the best toast. The winner toasted the following.

"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have all been spent between the knees of my wife."

The man went home and told his wife he'd won the contest but figured he'd better change it up a bit when he recited it to her.

"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have been spent on the church pew beside my wife."

The next day she ran into some of his buddies from the bar and they began to rib her a little about her husband winning the contest. She told them:

"I don't understand why he made that toast. He's only been down there twice in the last 4 years and I had to pull on his ears to get him to go."

Godfather · « **Reply #11 on:** March 01, 2012, 01:01:30 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on March 01, 2012, 11:20:08 AM

In the local pub one night, they were having a contest to see who could make the best toast. The winner toasted the following.

"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have all been spent between the knees of my wife."

The man went home and told his wife he'd won the contest but figured he'd better change it up a bit when he recited it to her.

"I'd have to say the best years of my life, have been spent on the church pew beside my wife."

The next day she ran into some of his buddies from the bar and they began to rib her a little about her husband winning the contest. She told them:

"I don't understand why he made that toast. He's only been down there twice in the last 4 years and I had to pull on his ears to get him to go."

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #12 on:** March 01, 2012, 01:08:43 PM »

Quote from: Godfather on March 01, 2012, 01:01:30 PM

Here's another one:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Fuck you

War Eagle!!! · « **Reply #13 on:** March 01, 2012, 01:25:55 PM »

I have told this one before...but I really like it...so here it goes again...

There was a guy that went in to the catholic confessional and said, "Father, I haven't been here in a month, but I have sinned. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice since my last confession."

"Go forth and say 3 Hail Mary's", the priest replied.

About 5 minutes later a second guy went in to the confessional and said, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I haven't been here for 2 months, and I have slept with Nookie Green twice a week for the past 2 months."

"Say, my child, who is Nookie Green?"

"She is a new girl in the neighborhood." the man replied.

The priest acknowledged and said "Go forth and say 5 hail Mary's".

The next Sunday, the priest was preaching in church when the back door opened and in walked this beautiful lady. She was wearing a stunning tight fitted, short green dress, and shiny green emerald high heel shoes to match. She had great tits and a nice ass and every man's head turned as she walked down the aisle and sat right in front of the preacher and the alter boy. When she sat down, she sat with her legs just enough apart that both the priest and alter boy could tell that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest looked at the alter boy and asked, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The alter boy responded, "No, I think that is just a reflection from her shoes."

djsimp · « **Reply #14 on:** March 02, 2012, 10:14:49 AM »

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking."

GH2001 · « **Reply #15 on:** March 02, 2012, 11:03:42 AM »

Quote from: djsimp on March 02, 2012, 10:14:49 AM

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking."

Seriously, he needed to slap her ass.

djsimp · « **Reply #16 on:** March 09, 2012, 09:23:42 AM »

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

djsimp · « **Reply #17 on:** March 09, 2012, 10:09:01 AM »

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off mommy parts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

djsimp · « **Reply #18 on:** March 26, 2012, 09:40:24 AM »

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

djsimp · « **Reply #19 on:** March 30, 2012, 09:48:20 AM »

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"