I am wiping away tears right now and my stomach hurts from supressing laughter so people in the hall won't think I am even crazier than rumoured. Damn, I love Spencer Hall. Freaking HYSTERICAL.
http://www.sbnation.com/ncaa-football/2011/9/1/2395679/college-football-2011-previewSome highlights:
94. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL ONE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They get shot to pieces in the one game a year where Bobby Petrino takes the pill from Limitless and begins savaging your team with future football plays not comprehensible by the 21st century human brain.
93. UCLA named two starting quarterbacks, and as a result both should be encased immediately in bubble wrap and borne aloft on sedan chairs to protect their now cursed bones.
92. Kirk Herbstreit's pick of UCLA to win the Pac-12 South shows that the worms that have invaded Herbstreit's brain may be malicious parasites eating his flesh, but at least they have a sense of humor.
91. Lane Kiffin will at one point call someone "a buttwad" without irony. He just looks like that would be his favorite insult.
83. Texas will lose to Iowa State, Baylor, Kansas State, or some other team with 1/10th of their revenue that they have no business losing to whatsoever.
82. Texas will respond by purchasing the school, closing its doors forever, and selling its students for meat.
81. Years of frustration builds to a boil when Lou Holtz wraps himself around Mark May's head like an angry marmot and blinds the ESPN analyst.
80. This has no discernible effect on May's ability to correctly or incorrectly state facts or opinions about football. Both parties remain close friends.
74. Georgia running back Isaiah Crowell has a dynamic first season, rushing for over 1,000 yards in his first eight games and raising eyebrows with his outstanding athleticism.
73. Unfortunately for Georgia, Crowell is booted by the ever-vigilant Athens police department for standing in a no parking zone, and has to play with the heavy metal contraption bolted to his foot. He rushes for 78 yards and one score in yet another loss to Florida in Jacksonville.
71. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL TWO ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They play a game against a middling Houston Nutt team on a noon kickoff. The Right Reverend is deadliest when you are sleepiest.
59. John Brantley of Florida and Joe Bauserman of Ohio State will silently exchange lives halfway through the 2011 season just to see if anyone notices. No one will.
56. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL THREE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: Alabama goes into a tie game with two minutes left against a Les Miles team, and we watch Nick Saban lose years off his life as his well-ordered Alabama machine has ape-wizard Miles throwing wrenches in it while giggling and playing with the laws of time and space itself. (That's a long sentence, but properly describing Les Miles requires bending the laws of grammar, too.)
53. Chris Relf will swallow a cowbell diving into the endzone for a touchdown for Mississippi State late in the Auburn game. He will clang slightly every time he takes a step.
52. SEC officials will throw a flag for unnecessary celebration on every down Chris Relf plays until he coughs the cowbell out on a particularly hard tackle in the second quarter of the Auburn game.
51. Despite the constant penalties, the Mississippi State offense still places fourth in the conference in rushing offense.
46. Penn State's Joe Paterno, living up to his promise of calling more plays this year, baffles his offense by calling the entire third quarter of the opener against Indiana State in his native tongue, Ancient Sumerian. My favorite one
45. Stephen Garcia misses three weeks in the middle of the season for "just livin', man."
44. Spurrier suspends him for a quarter, and then reinstates him and starts him against Clemson while wearing his golf spikes on the sidelines.
37. Tyler Bray throws for 30 touchdowns on the season.
36. We're not saying whether that's to the offense or defense, but it's definitely around 30 when you add interceptions for TDs and regular ol' TDs up.
35. Alabama fans commission statues of David Allen Coe, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a large piece of beef jerky for placement outside Bryant-Denny Stadium. Why? Because, well hell, those are all kickass things, too, ain't they?
34. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL FOUR ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They lose to Mississippi State a week after the LSU game. There's no joke there. That could happen.
32. Oregon emerges from the tunnel at the Civil War game in Eugene wearing their boldest uniform variation yet: Oregon State's road uniforms.
27. Suffering from a protein deficiency, Les Miles replaces the entire surface of the LSU indoor practice facility with a special Field Turf made of beef jerk and shredded tennis shoes.
26. Miles eats both enthusiastically and without complaint.
23. Utah State just shows up to Pac-12 meetings and demands a check, hoping no one asks too many questions, man.
18. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL FIVE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: Nick Saban's Cray Supercomputer of a brain is short-circuited again by Gus Malzahn's loopy hyperspeed Wing-T in the Iron Bowl. It's like watching someone crash a modern laptop by installing Oregon Trail, but it's already happened once.
17. The Fiesta Bowl displays its impressive improvement in accounting procedures by having all prostitutes give out detailed receipts for services rendered.
16. ESPN commentator Urban Meyer punches a Clemson linebacker in the throat while standing on the sideline of Clemson's bowl game against Ohio State, and then smiles a menacing grin at Luke Fickell.
15. Will Muschamp continues to share a beach house with Jimbo Fisher despite the Seminoles' defeat of the Gators in November.
14. However, he may just have sat naked on all the furniture without putting a towel down before leaving and turning the place over to Jimbo for the season. Just maybe.
10. Jim Nantz will not call a single college football game. Be humble and thank the deity of your choice, because if he did mayonnaise would start bleeding from the corners of your television.
9. This happens anyway when he calls anything, but you're usually too numb to notice it, and the dog licks it up promptly. This is why all dogs love Jim Nantz.
5. The coaching leader in audible and lipreadable televised profanities for the fifth year in a row will be Nick Saban. Hint: his favorite word rhymes with "goddammit."
3. Joe Schad will report [SOMETHING HE JUST READ ON TWITTER]
2. Beano Cook will report [THAT HE HAS JUST BEATEN JOE SCHAD UNCONSCIOUS WITH A SIX PACK OF IRON CITY BEER JUST BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT AND WHAT THE BLUE HELL IS A TWITTER--]
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