Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Buzz Killington on February 20, 2009, 01:36:31 PM
-
Dear Holly, Kathy, Kelly, Nicole, and the other Kelly,
Look, I'll come straight to the point. I'm sorry I didn't know where the clitoris was, or, more to the point, where your clitorises were. I was a horrible wreck of dry humping, fingering teen lust who pinned you to couches and carpets and danced all around your deserving buttons of love without so much as grazing them, without even inquiring as to the location of your hidden high-school treasure, without even thinking that you might not be liking the way I was swizzling my hand around in your nether regions.
You were patient with me. You let me slip you the tongue in the field behind the shopping center. You allowed me to reach second base in the bathroom at Phil's party—you remember, the one where we drank all that peach schnapps and watched The Wall on Phil's mom's big-screen TV. Heck, you sat still in the back of Scott Parsons' sweet-ass Honda Prelude while I rooted around in your shorts like a frat boy working a couch for spare change.
While I'm at it, I'm also sorry for letting Brandon smell my fingers. That was immature and uncool, and even though you never found out, I feel badly about it. Really, I do.
To be honest, you should be pissed at my dad. We never "had the talk." I had no diagrams to work from, no explanation of the intricate workings of the little man who steers the canoe. Everything I knew about sex was gleaned from Cinemax's presentation of Emmanuelle in Bangkok and this old Betamax porno Bobby stole from his dad. I watched the latter one three times. Other than making me uncomfortable to be around my dentist, it didn't help.
I asked my father why he never clarified the finer points of clitoral massage with me way back then, but he just said that wasn't really part of polite conversation and he'd prefer not to discuss it. So I asked him if he knew where Mom's clitoris was and he hung up on me. I took that as a no.
Anyway, sorry about that. I'd have done you right if I'd had any idea what we were both missing.
Warmly,
-
On behalf of women everywhere, I accept your apology. But don't feel bad - based on conversations with female friends (and guy friends too):
7 guys in ten even know that a woman HAS a clitoris
5 guys in ten actually know where it is generally speaking
2 guys in ten can find it at all after about 15 minutes of searching
1 guy in ten knows what to do with it once he finds it.
-
9 out of 10 give less than two shits
-
On behalf of women everywhere, I accept your apology. But don't feel bad - based on conversations with female friends (and guy friends too):
7 guys in ten even know that a woman HAS a clitoris
5 guys in ten actually know where it is generally speaking
2 guys in ten can find it at all after about 15 minutes of searching
1 guy in ten knows what to do with it once he finds it.
My momma always told me I was one in a million, but it seems I'm more of a one in ten guy after all...
-
My momma always told me I was one in a million, but it seems I'm more of a one in ten guy after all...
I find it strange that your mother knows about your special skill.
-
If that's true, you should give a seminar...
That has always been a pet (pun intended) peeve of mine. Is doing a little basic research on female anatomy too much to ask? (This of course sets aside all of you neanderthals who think that a woman need not climax for sex to be a success.) To me, that was the only reason to ever date a ladies' man - he may never be faithful (and this was back in the day before STDs were a major issue, mind you) but at least he knew where to go, and he was 100% sure of what to do once he got there.
-
On behalf of women everywhere, I accept your apology.
Not so fast.
Sincerely,
Holly
-
Not so fast.
Sincerely,
Holly
Oh yeah...sorry bout that too.
-
What is this clatorious of which you speak?
-
What is this clatorious of which you speak?
Isn't that the stuff that causes a rash?
-
Isn't that the stuff that causes a rash?
No...that's claptorious.
-
What is this clatorious of which you speak?
I don't know but it moves around a lot. Never in the same spot twice. Really considered more of a vagrant.
-
No...that's claptorious.
That guy is hilarious...Clappy the Clown.
-
Ooohhhh wait...are you saying that women are supposed to enjoy sex too? You mean, they can actually have one of those orgasmic thingies just like men?
How does this work? It might be fun to watch her wriggle around and scream instead of telling me to hurry the fuck up. Please to be telling us more.
-
Ooohhhh wait...are you saying that women are supposed to enjoy sex too? You mean, they can actually have one of those orgasmic thingies just like men?
How does this work? It might be fun to watch her wirggle around and scream instead of telling me to hurry the fuck up. Please to be telling us more.
You let yours speak?
-
Ooohhhh wait...are you saying that women are supposed to enjoy sex too? You mean, they can actually have one of those orgasmic thingies just like men?
How does this work? It might be fun to watch her wriggle around and scream instead of telling me to hurry the fuck up. Please to be telling us more.
It's that thing that makes her squirt
-
You let yours speak?
The ones over 21 tend to be less submissive.
-
An open letter to my first five girlfriends:
Dear Shakira, Beyonce, Hayden, Jessica, and Denise,
I apologize that I ruined sex for you. I know that most women need experience with quite a few different men before they find the one guy that does it right. Unfortunately for you, I knew all the right spots. I knew all the right moves. I knew all the right words.
I'm sorry that nobody will ever come close to matching my sexual prowess. That you'll never feel that intense of an orgasm again. I'm sorry that no matter how many times you try to tell a guy about how I did it, he'll never live up to being with me. And no, for the tenth time, I won't give out lessons.
Once again, I'm sorry that all other men seem a bit small. You have to understand, not everyone is as blessed as me. Sometimes, it's best to just accept something for what it is even though it's not exactly how you desire it to be.
If I could offer some advice, it's this. Look on the bright side. At least it'll be easier to drive a child out of your vagina.
Sincerely sorry for ruining it all,
Deuce B.
-
Ooohhhh wait...are you saying that women are supposed to enjoy sex too? You mean, they can actually have one of those orgasmic thingies just like men?
How does this work?
Who cares?
-
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. My dick is a close second.
-
Dear all females in the City of Birmingham,
I don't give a flying fuck about your opinion, the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth was Einsteins dick. Show me your tittys.
Sincerely,
Phil Atio.