Tigers X - Number one Source to Talk Auburn Tigers Sports
The Library => Haley Center Basement => Topic started by: Kaos on May 30, 2014, 11:56:30 AM
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Q: Why are lesbians so lazy?
A: They don't do d i c k.
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Q: What do you call two lesbians on their period?
A: Finger Painting
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What's the difference between a tribe of smart pygmies and a female track team?
One is a group of cunning runts....
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
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Q: What do you call a girl with only one leg?
A: Eileen
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Q: What do you calla man with no arms and no legs
A: Matt
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
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There were these two ducks sitting in a bathtub and one duck turns to the other duck and says, "Hey, could you pass me the soap?"
And the other duck says, "What do you think I am? A typewriter?"
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Q: What do you call a girl with only one leg?
A: Eileen
What do you call her if she's Asian ?
A: Irene
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What do you call a computer that sings?
Adell
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Why do cowboys have wiener dogs for pets?
They like to get along little doggy.
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Q: How do you keep little Johnny from running around in circles?
A: Nail his other foot to the floor
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***racial warning***
Q How do you keep the little black boy from jumping on the bed
A: Put velcro on the ceiling
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Q: Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.
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Q: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
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Q: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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What do you get if you run over a bird with a lawn mower?
Shredded Tweet.
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Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said "Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?"
The other turned and shouted "Oh my god a talking muffin!"
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?He wipes his butt.
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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.
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rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
WRONG!!! You would think so but it is actually the C
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
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What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
mommy partswaylo
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What is a wok?
It's sumting you twow at a wabbit
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What's round, hairy and sits on the wall?
Humpty mommy part
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A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said "Why the long face?"
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d58/saniflush/turn-on-the-gas_o_1106351_zps4bf18668.jpeg)
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What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow?
Mufasa
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A Jew and a Gentile were walking down the street and saw this incredibly hot girl walk past. The Gentile said, "Boy, I'd like to fuck her." The Jew said, "Out of what?"
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
Gross!
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A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said "Why the long face?"
He replied "because my alcoholism is killing the family."
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little Old Lady
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
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Have you ever smelled moth balls?
Yes.
How did you get his little legs open?
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Why do women have two holes?
So you can carry them home like a 6-pack
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What do you call the AIDS wing at Emory University Hospital?
Sick Fags Over Georgia
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How did the Bammer find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying
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What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the Rhino
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Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy
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Why do Mexican low riders have those little bitty steering wheels?
It's the only way you can drive with handcuffs on
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because gorillas have big fingers.
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
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No entries from THS?
This is his thread to shine in.
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Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Scares the hell out of the dogs.
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No entries from THS?
This is his thread to shine in.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
To!
To who?
To whom.
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What do you call a redheaded karate expert?
A Ginja.
(https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2815/8887718313_d9c1b32392_z.jpg)
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How did Helen Keller lose her arms?
Trying to read stop signs.
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How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture.
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A horse, a bull, and a jaguar walk into a bar...
...everyone got up and left because they recognized the danger in that situation.
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him
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(http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d58/saniflush/kellercat_zps8cbe068b.jpg)
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
The bad golfer goes "whack, damn!"
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What was the last thing to go through Alexia's mind when she jumped off the building?
Her ankles.
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An old bull was standing on a hill surveying a herd of hot cows in the field below. A young bull comes up to him all excited and says, "Hey...hey...why don't we run down there and fuck one of those cows?"
The old bull looks at him and says, "No, why don't we walk down there and fuck em' all?"
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a child experiences a minute passing.
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Lorena Bobbit got a job doing the weather at the local TV station. They knew she was qualified because when Lorena says there will be 6 inches on the ground, you'd best believe it.
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The Bama couple stopped at 2 children because we heard that every 3rd child born in this world is Chinese.
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According to a recent survey, 98% of black people enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 2% have never been to prison
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Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years? - Someone lost a quarter
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How does every black joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
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My girlfriend and I broke up... she said we could still be cousins though.
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in front of the Judge at their divorce hearing. The Judge looked and Mickey and said, "So, I understand you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy." Mickey replied, "No Judge, I said 'she's fucking Goofy'.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick her candy
But Jack got a shock
and a mouth full of cock
Cause Jill's real name is Randy
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Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.
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Alison Brie: Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"
She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."
He says, "Well, wash your friggin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
(http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/QV/esq-alison-brie-hot-1009-lg.jpg)
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What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
SPARKY!
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George worked at the pickle factory for 15 years. One day he confessed to his wife an urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife was aghast and told him to see a therapist but George vowed to overcome this urge on his own.
A few weeks later, George returned from work early, crestfallen.
Remember how I told you about that urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer? George asked.
"Oh, George you didn't!" his wife exclaimed. "What happened with the pickle slicer?"
Ummm. Well, she got fired too.
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Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.
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My friend can always tell when I've been up to no good.
Told him I'd fucked a ginger Somali homosexual quadriplegic dwarf last night.
It was either that or admit shagging Susan Boyle
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My friend can always tell when I've been up to no good.
Told him I'd fucked a ginger Somali homosexual quadriplegic dwarf last night.
It was either that or admit shagging Susan Boyle
wow...you win, that joke is bad, as in not funny.
You also could have won by posting any of the following:
- you naked below the waist
- any key and peele skit
- a tomato (at least from Kaos)
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wow...you win, that joke is bad, as in not funny.
You also could have won by posting any of the following:
- you naked below the waist
- any key and peele skit
- a tomato (at least from Kaos)
Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.
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Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.
Figures, they don't have any balls over there either.
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Figures, they don't have any balls over there either.
I always fill my ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all.
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I must admit, even though the thread title reads "Bad jokes", I have had a good time on a Friday afternoon reading all of the hilarious stuff I've posted on here today. It's been a blast.
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I always fill my ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all.
I bet you're huge in Belgium.
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Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.
No. No it didn't. And I'm here to testify.
Pick some obscure country next time, dumbass.
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No. No it didn't. And I'm here to testify.
Pick some obscure country next time, dumbass.
Did you hear about the winner of the English beauty contest?
Me either.
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Marvin took Carla to the fair on their first date. After they got there, being a gentleman, he asked her what she wanted to do.
"Get weighed," Carla said.
So they went to the weight guessing booth. Carla weighed 117, the barker guessed 125 and they won a nice stuffed panda.
Marvin and Carla wandered over to the Ferris Wheel and got some cotton candy. When he asked her what she wanted to do next, Carla replied: "Get weighed."
Puzzled, Marvin took her back to the weight guessing booth. The barker looked on curiously, guessed 117 and took Marvin's money.
They went to the house of mirrors and the tilt-a-whirl. When Marvin said 'what now?' Carla replied "get WEIGHED."
So back they went. 117, 117 and Marvin lost another $5.
They rode the Scrambler and Marvin tried a couple of the dart and pitching games without much luck. So what do you want to do now? he asked Carla. And again she answered: Get weighed!!
Now sure she was a weirdo, Marvin took her back to the weight guessing both, handed the guy $5, watched him guess 117 and then led Carla to the car. He wanted nothing else to do with a flake like her so he drove her straight home, shook her hand and drove away.
Carla took her panda and went inside. She was greeted by her roommate Linda who asked "So, how was the date?"
Carla answered: "Oh, Winda. It was wousy!"
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What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?
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A string walks into a bar and hops up on the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender turns around and says, "Hey buddy, can't you read the sign? It says 'No strings allowed'. Now get out." The string walks outside, dejected but determined to get served a beer. So he takes each of his ends and messes them all up then twists himself up like a pretzel in the middle. Walks back in the bar, hops up on the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender pours his beer and hands it to him then pauses to look hard at the string.
"Say, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?" To which the string replies....."No, I'm a frayed knot."
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You can always tell when a Bammer has been over to my place.
The toilet's never flushed and the cat's pregnant.
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What did Jeffery Dahmer tell his mother when she complained about having his friends for dinner?
"Just move them to the other side of the plate"!
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What did Jeffery Dahmer tell his mother when she complained about having his friends for dinner?
"Just move them to the other side of the plate"!
This one is too bad to be in this thread. Mods: please delete this joke or start a thread for jokes that are too bad to be in the bad joke thread.
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This one is too bad to be in this thread. Mods: please delete this joke or start a thread for jokes that are too bad to be in the bad joke thread.
Done
http://www.tigersx.com/forum/index.php?topic=23892.80 (http://www.tigersx.com/forum/index.php?topic=23892.80)
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bumpitty bump
A guy is driving out in the country and sees a sign in front of a house.
"Talking Dog For Sale"
He's curious so he goes up to the house and asks the owner if it's true about the dog. The owner says, "Yes it is. He's around back. Feel free to see for yourself." So the guy goes to the back yard and finds a nice looking black Labrador.
He asks the dog, "Can you really talk?" The dog tells him "Yep, I can talk." The guy is floored but asks the dog what his story is. The lab says, "Well, I realized I could talk at a very early age. I really wanted to help my country so I contacted the CIA. They immediately put me to work and next thing I knew, I was flying around the world to different countries. I became the most decorated spy in the world since I could sit in the rooms of the most important people in the world and get the most secret information from them because they would never suspect a dog could talk."
"After years of that, I got tired and wanted to return home. Got a job at the airport in security and you wouldn't believe the terrorist threats and criminal activities I stopped just by listening to people's conversations. I eventually married and we had a litter of pups and well...here I am."
The guy is absolutely amazed. So he goes back to the owner and asks how much he wants for the dog. The owner says, "I guess I'll take about $10 bucks for him."
$10.00 dollars????? Why would you sell this dog for $10.00?
The owners says, "Oh, he's just a big bull shitter. He's never been out of the back yard."
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A man calls 911 and says, “Help, my wife is in labor!"
The nurse says, “Calm down, is this her first child?â€
The man replies, “No. This is her husband.â€
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her 10 year-old son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her 10 year-old son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
You should post something "New". Wink, wink. Nod You know..something NEW.
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As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type of transmitting oral history in modern times. I'm just not sure. Maybe no one is.
Like you, certainly, I've heard all kinds of jokes about the Holocaust, September 11th, and recent mass shootings. I used to wonder why I never heard a good joke about the Jonestown massacre of 1978, more than three decades after the fact, but then I realized that it was because the punchline was too long.
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Did you know that Crista McAuliffe of the Space Shuttle disaster had blue eyes?
Yep. One blew this way and the other blew that way.
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Did you know that Crista McAuliffe of the Space Shuttle disaster had blue eyes?
Yep. One blew this way and the other blew that way.
Last words on the recorder for the Shuttle:
" Not that button bitc"
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I tried to reach Crista McAuliffe but her family said she was vacationing all over Florida.
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A pastor is checking into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can you make sure that all of the porn channels are disabled?"
The clerk says, "We can't do that sir. We just have the regular-people porn channels, you sick fuck."
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A priest pastor is checking into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can you make sure that all of the porn channels are of young boys disabled?"
The clerk says, "We can't do that sir. We just have the regular-people porn channels, you sick fuck."
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There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."
The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."
The owner asks, "What do you do?"
The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."
The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."
The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"
The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their
Brains Out."
The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"
The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.
The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."
The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.
That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.
One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"
The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"
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A young Indian boy went up to the Chief and said, "Chief, I know that you name every child when it is born. But, how do you come up with the names?"
The Chief says, "That's easy, every time a child is born, I wake up the next morning and the first thing I see when I walk out of my tee pee is what that child's name shall be. Like Running Deer or Rising Sun or Great Bear."
The boy looks puzzled so the Chief asks, "Why do you want to know, Two Dogs Fucking?"
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A dog goes into an employment agency and asks what jobs are available. The woman at the desk says, “Holy shit! A talking dog! There should be a job for you at the circus.â€
The dog replies, “Why would they need a plumber?â€
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A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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Father O'Brien is taking confessions one day. With still a number of parishioners left to go, the urge hits him to immediately use the bathroom.
Looking around, he spots the parish janitor. "Look, I have to use the bathroom for a few minutes, mind sitting in here and hearing confession until I return?"
Janitor agrees but notes that he knows nothing about what penance is suitable. "Just tell them to say a couple of Hail Mary's and your are good," says the priest.
The janitor hears a number of confessions, until one parishioner confesses to having anal sex.
Not knowing what to do, he spies an alter boy near by. "Pssst. Hey. What does Father O'Brien give for anal sex?"
Alter boy responds, " Two Snickers and a coke."
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What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
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snap
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What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
Not funny
but funny
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what's the difference between a ginger and a brick?
Brick's got a chance to get laid.
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A priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The rabbi ducks.
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What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with diarrhea?
The corn farmer shucks between fits.
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Ok. This one has me stumped. I don't get it.
Was on the golf course Saturday and a twosome pulled up behind us. Two really old men, 70s or 80s at least.
One of the guys in our group was playing only for the second time. People pushing us made him nervous so we let them play through. One of the old guys says "we're not in any hurry and you're not holding us up if you want to go on." So the guy with me says "Well, I'm playing so bad having people waiting on us makes me nervous." Old guy replies "I haven't made anything but sheep nervous in years. Oh, hey, reminds me of a joke..."
And this is the joke:
I was riding down the road with a friend of mine one day and we saw a nice herd of goats behind a wooden fence. My friend says to me, 'those are some mighty fine goats. I think I'm gonna fuck one of 'em.' So we stopped, he got out, used some grass to lure a goat to the fence, grabbed it and fucked the shit out of it. He was hollering, goat was hollering, hair and sweat just a' flying. After he got done he come back over to the car and said 'your turn.' So I got out of the car, walked over to the fence and stuck my head through it....
And then he cackled insane laughter. Hit the go pedal and drove away.
I don't get it. Explain to me?
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Ok. This one has me stumped. I don't get it.
Was on the golf course Saturday and a twosome pulled up behind us. Two really old men, 70s or 80s at least.
One of the guys in our group was playing only for the second time. People pushing us made him nervous so we let them play through. One of the old guys says "we're not in any hurry and you're not holding us up if you want to go on." So the guy with me says "Well, I'm playing so bad having people waiting on us makes me nervous." Old guy replies "I haven't made anything but sheep nervous in years. Oh, hey, reminds me of a joke..."
And this is the joke:
I was riding down the road with a friend of mine one day and we saw a nice herd of goats behind a wooden fence. My friend says to me, 'those are some mighty fine goats. I think I'm gonna fuck one of 'em.' So we stopped, he got out, used some grass to lure a goat to the fence, grabbed it and fucked the shit out of it. He was hollering, goat was hollering, hair and sweat just a' flying. After he got done he come back over to the car and said 'your turn.' So I got out of the car, walked over to the fence and stuck my head through it....
And then he cackled insane laughter. Hit the go pedal and drove away.
I don't get it. Explain to me?
He was taking the position of the goat and apparently wanted either the goat or his friend to fuck him.
What kind of courses are you playing these days?
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Ok. This one has me stumped. I don't get it.
Was on the golf course Saturday and a twosome pulled up behind us. Two really old men, 70s or 80s at least.
One of the guys in our group was playing only for the second time. People pushing us made him nervous so we let them play through. One of the old guys says "we're not in any hurry and you're not holding us up if you want to go on." So the guy with me says "Well, I'm playing so bad having people waiting on us makes me nervous." Old guy replies "I haven't made anything but sheep nervous in years. Oh, hey, reminds me of a joke..."
And this is the joke:
I was riding down the road with a friend of mine one day and we saw a nice herd of goats behind a wooden fence. My friend says to me, 'those are some mighty fine goats. I think I'm gonna fuck one of 'em.' So we stopped, he got out, used some grass to lure a goat to the fence, grabbed it and fucked the shit out of it. He was hollering, goat was hollering, hair and sweat just a' flying. After he got done he come back over to the car and said 'your turn.' So I got out of the car, walked over to the fence and stuck my head through it....
And then he cackled insane laughter. Hit the go pedal and drove away.
I don't get it. Explain to me?
His friend obviously took 'your turn' as - his turn to get banged by the friend replacing the goat.
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His friend obviously took 'your turn' as - his turn to get banged by the friend replacing the goat.
Hmm. Ok. All I could think of was RWS blowing goats.
Even after the explanation it wasn't as funny as he tnought it was.
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what's the difference between a ginger and a brick?
Brick's got a chance to get laid.
I beg to differ
(http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/8/16/7/enhanced-buzz-28903-1376652425-0.jpg)
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I beg to differ
Seconded
(http://www.hawtcelebs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/CHRISTINA-HENDRICKS-Vivienne-Westwood-Photoshoot-5.jpg)
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Seconded
Don't look her in the eyes!
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Don't look her in the eyes!
Wont be a problem. Other things will take priority.
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Wont be a problem. Other things will take priority.
TWO things to be exact.
:jaw: :jaw:
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Don't look her in the eyes!
You are probably going to the special hell.
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A baby seal walks into a bar
The bartender says: "What will you have ??"
The baby seal replies: "Anything but a Canadian Club"
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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo
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What has 75 balls . . .
Snaggs was immediately ruled out as a potential answer.
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What has 75 balls . . .
Or a typical party at VV's place.
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Or a typical party at VV's place.
One Testicle Tom is a loyal customer.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A man walks into a bar and says, "I can have sex with any woman in here."
Bartender asks "Oh really? How's that?"
"I'm a rapist."
:rimshot:
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A man walks into a bar and says, "I can have sex with any woman in here."
Bartender asks "Oh really? How's that?"
"I'm a rapist."
:rimshot:
(http://wbma.images.worldnow.com/images/24035602_BG2.jpg)
Ah sware ya hannerishness, I ain't ne'er beed to dat bar.
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(http://wbma.images.worldnow.com/images/24035602_BG2.jpg)
Ah sware ya hannerishness, I ain't ne'er beed to dat bar.
I said, I says well we strong, and you strong...well we strong den
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm a chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while waiting in this long line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Bill, Steve, and Christy were marooned on an island after a shipwreck. For the first year the guys and Christy had happy sex. Then Christy began feeling guilty and slutty for what she was doing with two guys and killed herself.
Well Bill and Steve went on for another year or so, then they too began to feel bad about what they were doing, so they buried Christy.
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CCTAU Warning:
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving?
A cop
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CCTAU Warning:
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving?
A cop
And if they get married, the worst possible credit ever.
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Damned mixed-raced criminals...
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What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
Honey, I'm home.
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How do you know an Asian broke in your house?
Your homework is done and the cat is gone.
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What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
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What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing, wing. Halo
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Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
They love the part where the hooker gives the money back.
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What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross Country
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How do you know an Asian broke in your house?
Your homework is done and the cat is gone.
And later proof is found that lots of pictures were taken every step of the way.
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Why are there no Puerto Rican doctors?
Because you can't write prescriptions with spray paint.
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What can a goose do that duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
Stick his bill up his ass.
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I bought some shoes from my drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day.
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What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A black and Decker pecker wrecker.
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What did the sign on the whorehouse door say?
Beat it, we're closed
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When should you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend and he says that her hair smells nice.
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
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Hey, you want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.
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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck on his cock.
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What does the black kid across the street get for Christmas?
Your bike
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Snow is the only time 8"-12" inches is associated with anything white.
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro Cinco
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The Winter Olympics: Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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The Winter Olympics: Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
I didn't know being able to stand in cold, ice or snow was expensive.
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I didn't know being able to stand in cold, ice or snow was expensive.
The military let me do it for next to nothing.
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Answer the question out loud:
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me.
All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates.
Three days ago Doe kisses him.
Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex.
Yesterday, who sucks his dick?
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.
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Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
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I heard India sent a rocket to Mars. What a strange place for a call center.
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Why are a black guy and an elevator so different?
An elevator can raise a child.
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Auburn goes into Starkville...
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Auburn goes into Starkville...
Nick Marshall's Heisman campaign goes up in smoke.
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets.... then it hit me.
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How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? … Wanna go ride bikes?
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How do you blindfold a Chinaman?
With dental Floss
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What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
Cha-Ching
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This old man, a Catholic Priest and a pedophile walk in a bar....and that's just one person.
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A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a blow job. The black guy beat the hell out of him and threw him out of the bar. The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?"
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job.
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A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
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3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
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A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
I don't get it. Where's the joke here?
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Why don't lawyers enjoy golf?
It's too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I asked the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t do Tuesdays.’
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A Police Officer pulled over a Speeding Car. The Officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 Miles Per Hour, sir".
The driver says, "Gee, Officer, I had it on Cruise Control at 60. Perhaps Your Radar Gun needs Calibrating".
Not looking up from Her Knitting, the Wife says, 'Now don't be silly, dear,
You know that This Car doesn't have Cruise Control".
As the Officer writes out The Ticket, the Driver looks over at His Wife & growls,
"Can't you please keep Your Mouth shut for once"!?
The Wife smiles demurely & says, "Well Dear, you should be thankful Your Radar Detector went off when it did or Your Speed would have been higher".
As the Officer makes out the Second Ticket for the Illegal Radar Detector Unit, the Man glowers at His Wife & says through Clenched Teeth, "Woman, can't you keep Your Mouth shut"?
The Officer frowns & says, "And I notice that You're Not Wearing Your Seat Belt, sir. That's an Automatic Fine".
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but I took it off when You pulled me over so that I could get My License out of My Back Pocket".
The Wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that You Didn't Have Your Seat Belt On. You never wear Your Seat Belt when you're driving".
And as the Police Officer is writing out the Third Ticket, the Driver turns to His Wife & barks, "Will You Please Shut Up"!
The Officer looks over at the Woman & asks, "Does Your Husband always talk to You this way Ma'am"?
"Only when He's been drinking".
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Three guys were at the bar and had been drinking heavily all day. It got to a point where they began to argue over who had the biggest dick. Eventually, they challenged each other to prove who was biggest. The first guy steps up, whips it out and lays it on the bar. The crowd cheers.
The second man does the same and easily passes the first guy. The crowd is amazed.
The third guy reaches in his pants and pulls out a monster that just about stretches across the whole bar. The crowd goes wild.
Just then, a gay guy walks up to the bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
Oh, no thanks. I'll just go through the buffet line.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
You win /thread
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A man walked into a bar holding a slab of asphalt under his arm. "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home".
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome
Is that common
Well, it's not unusual
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A guy emailed twenty puns to his friends in the hopes that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
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The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?
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1 - Never Squat with your Spurs on.
2 - Never slap a Man who's Chewing Tobacco.
3 - Never kick a Cow Chip on a Hot Day.
4 - There are 2 Theories to arguing with a Woman & Neither works.
5 - Never miss a Good Chance to Shut Up.
6 - Always drink Upstream from the Herd.
7 - If you find yourself in a Hole, 'Stop Digging.
8 - The quickest way to Double Your Money is to Fold It & put it Back Into Your Pocket.
9 - There are 3 kinds of men: The 1s that Learn By Reading. The Few who Learn By Observation. The Rest Of Them have to Pee On The Electric Fence & Find It Out For Themselves.
10 - Good Judgment comes from Experience & a lot of that comes from Bad Judgment.
11 - If you're riding Ahead Of The Herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure It's Still There.
12 - Lettin' the Cat Outta The Bag is a whole lot easier'n Puttin' It Back In.
13 - ABOUT GROWING OLDER: FIRST ~ Eventually you will reach a Point when you Stop Lying About Your Age & Start Bragging About It.
14 - SECOND ~ The Older We Get, the Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.
15 - THIRD ~ Some People try to turn back Their Odometers. I rather want people to know Why I Look This Way. I've traveled a Long Way & some of the Roads weren't paved.
16 - FOURTH ~ When you are Dissatisfied & would like to go back to Your Youth, Think Of Algebra.
17 - FIFTH ~ You know you are Getting Old when Everything either Dries Up or Leaks.
18 - SIXTH ~ I don't know how I got Over The Hill without getting to the Top.
19 - SEVENTH ~ 1 of the Many Things no 1 tells you about Aging is that it's Such A Nice Change from Being Young.
20 - EIGHTH ~ 1 must wait until Evening to see how splendid The Day Has Been.
21- NINTH ~ Being Young is Beautiful, but Being Old is Comfortable & Relaxed.
22 - TENTH ~ Long Ago, when men Cursed & beat the Ground with Sticks, it was called Witchcraft. Today it's called Golf.
23 - ELEVENTH ~ If you don't learn to Laugh at Trouble, you won't have Anything to Laugh At when You're Old.
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The wife and I were sitting on the couch when she asked, "What's on TV?"
Dust
Then the fight started.
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Our anniversary was coming up and my wife excitedly said, "For our anniversary, I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds."
So I bought her a bathroom scale.
Then the fight started.
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Clint Mosley.
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3 - Never kick a Cow Chip on a Hot Day.
Been there, done that - on my grandfather's farm as a young un. Never did it again. Lesson learned for a life time at a young age.
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Not really a joke, but funny.
(http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u1/miked0003/securedownload1_zps23cbb1c5.jpg) (http://s164.photobucket.com/user/miked0003/media/securedownload1_zps23cbb1c5.jpg.html)
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An Irishman's first drink with his son . . .
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories
came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guiness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
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When 4 of Sana's Elves got sick, the Trainee Elves did not produce Toys as fast as the Regular Elves. Santa was beginning to feel the Pre-Christmas Pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa, Her Mother was coming to visit, which Stressed Santa even more.
When he went to Harness the Reindeer, he found that 3 of them were About To Give Birth & 2 Other had Jumped The Fence, out to Heaven Knows Where.
Then, when he began to Load The Sleigh, 1 of the Floor Boards cracked. the Toy Bag fell to the ground & All The Toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went into the House for a Cup Of Apple Cider & a Shot Of Rum. When he went to the Cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had drank up all of the Cider & Hid The Liquor.
In His Frustration, he accidentally Dropped The Cider Jug & it Broke into hundreds of Little Glass Pieces, All Over The Kitchen Floor. He went to get the Broom & found that the Mice had eaten all of the Straw off of the End of the Broom.
Just then, the Door Bell Rang & An Irritated Santa marched to the Door, yanking it open. There stood a Little Angel with a Great Big Christmas Tree.
The Angel said Very Cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a Lovely Day? I have a Beautiful Tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it"?
So, began the Tradition of the Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree.
Not Too Many People knew this.
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When 4 of Sana's Elves got sick, the Trainee Elves did not produce Toys as fast as the Regular Elves. Santa was beginning to feel the Pre-Christmas
tl;dr
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Holy indenting and formatting batman.
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Holy indenting and formatting batman.
Yes. Technology doesn't help much, in instances where there are glaring deficiencies in basic grammar.
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Holy indenting and formatting batman.
Somebody went to the Prowler school of random capitalization.
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Somebody went to the Prowler school of random capitalization.
now That's fuNNy right tHere.
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my Copy and pAste daYs ARE over.
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my Copy and pAste daYs ARE over.
Don't you let them shame you out of that guilty pleasure. You keep on coppaging that pasta.
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Don't you let them shame you out of that guilty pleasure. You keep on coppaging that pasta.
No, I don't wanna play anymore.
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A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?"
“Over there by mine,†was not the answer I was expecting.
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A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex.
Husband: Sukitaki!
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anjirodiroumiyakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Miminakoundindatinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Namiakoukinatimikikouji!
I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.