Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

[Kaos]

I dated a tennis player for a while. She was in great shape, the sex was pretty amazing, but in the end I just had to walk away. 

I had deep feelings for this girl, but I found out love meant nothing to her. 

[CCTAU]

Dire Straits are opening a café.
They'll take money for muffins, but the chips are free.

[Kaos]

My girlfriend's cat died last week.  She said she wanted to get another one just like it. 

Why the heck does she want two dead cats?

[Snaggletiger]

Not a dad joke, but…

This older couple was just about to retire and move from the cold north, down south to live out their days in Texas.  Ole Earl had always gone on and on about when they get to Texas, the first thing he’s doing is buy some fine cowboy boots.

Well, they moved to Texas and sure enough, Earl buys him the nicest, shiniest pair of cowboy boots he can find.  He wears them all around the house, but his wife never says a word about them. So, he goes in the bedroom, strips down buck naked except for the boots.  He walks out in all his glory and says, “You notice anything different about me now?”  His wife says, “Nope, just the same old, sad dick hanging straight down like it has the last 10 years.”

Earl says, “Well, it’s hanging straight down because it’s staring at my new cowboy boots!!!” Without missing a beat, she says, “You shoulda’ bought a hat, Earl.  You shoulda’ bought a hat.”

[Snakebite]

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Snaggletiger]

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can sleep with a light on.

[Snaggletiger]

I was driving down the road and saw my ex.

It's funny how "I'd hit that" changes meaning over the years.

[Snakebite]

A man is in Las Vegas and losing his ass. He cannot win anything, and before he knows it, he has absolutely no money left. The only thing he does have is his plane ticket home, but he has no way to the airport.

He walks out of the casino and sees a solitary cab with the cabby leaning against it. He walks over and asks the driver if there's any way he could just take him to the airport. He swears that he will wire the cabby the money the moment he gets home, but the cabby is a total dick.

"You know how many fucking losers I deal with everyday that give me that bullshit story? Fuck you ya piece of shit. Get away from me before I call the cops", the shithead cabby says.

Well, the guy walks half way to the airport, finally thumbs a ride, and gets home.

He has an outstanding year in business and makes a killing in the market.

Almost a year to the day, he goes back to the same casino where he previously lost his ass, but this time he kills. He cannot lose. Blackjack, slots, you name it, and he's kickin' it's ass.

When it's finally time to go, he walks out of the casino and sees a line of about 5 cabs. As he looks down the row, he sees that same asshole that gave him such a hard time the previous year, leaning against his cab at the end of the cab line.

He goes up to the nearest cabby and says, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabby says $10.

The guy says, "OK. How about I give you an extra $2 and you suck my cock?"

The cabby nearly hits him, and tells him to get the hell out of there before he calls the cops.

So the guy goes to the next cab and the next cab, and so on, asking the same thing, "How much for a ride to the airport...how about I give you an extra $2 to suck my dick?", and each time he gets told to go away.

Finally, the guy comes to the shithead cab driver from last year, and says, "How much for a ride to the airport?", to which the cabby says $10.

So without another word, the guy hops in the cab.

As the cab is pulling past the other cab drivers, the guy holds up 2 $1 bills against the side window, smiles and gives the other cab drivers the thumbs up.

The End

[Snaggletiger]

I'm going to a new restaurant in town called Karma.

There's no menu.  You get what you deserve.

[Kaos]

My ex wife told me she didn't want to have any more children after 36. 

Fine with me, I really only wanted two or three anyway.

[Kaos]

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

He acted like a bitch about it and told his mom. 

[Snakebite]

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?











Light blue.

[Snaggletiger]

When my wife showed up in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey, I knew she was a keeper.