Dad Jokes, Puns, Dis’s

[Snakebite]

Last night I watched a documentary on Marijuana.  I think all documentaries should be watched that way, personally.

[Buzz Killington]

My great grandmother sold corn to Pirates.

She charged a Buccaneer.

Hairlipped kid dresses as a pirate for Halloween.  Goes to a neighbor's house and rings the bell. Woman opens the door and says "ooh, a pirate!  Where are your buccaneers?" Kid says "on my buccan head."

[Snakebite]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.”

“We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.”

“OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up andone of them shit in my eye.”

“You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?”

“Well, it was my first day with the hook.”

[WiregrassTiger]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.”

“We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.”

“OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up andone of them shit in my eye.”

“You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?”

“Well, it was my first day with the hook.”

This is the best joke that’s been on here in generations. It’s so much better than Snag’s puns and key and Peele that I am about to cry in appreciation.

[Snakebite]

This is the best joke that’s been on here in generations. It’s so much better than Snag’s puns and key and Peele that I am about to cry in appreciation.

You flatter me with your flattery, you flatterer, you.

[jmar]

You flatter me with your flattery, you flatterer, you.

No I think WT is actually right for a change.
That was a real pip.
Brightened my day.

 

[Snaggletiger]

I read where two antennas got married.

I'll bet the reception was amazing.

[Snaggletiger]

I bought a 12 year old whiskey


His Mom was furious.

[Snaggletiger]

Little known fact:  Before crowbars were invented, crows just drank at home.

[War Damn Six]

One day on a construction site in Birmingham, two drywall workers showed up with a pig between them in the seat of their pickup.  They said they found it walking down 459 and asked what they should do.  I told them to take it to the zoo. 

Didn’t see them the rest of the day.

Next day, they show up again with the pig and it has a bow tie and top hat on.  I say, “I thought I told y’all to take that thing to the zoo.”





“We did. He had such a good time that we’re taking him to Six Flags.”

[WiregrassTiger]

One day on a construction site in Birmingham, two drywall workers showed up with a pig between them in the seat of their pickup.  They said they found it walking down 459 and asked what they should do.  I told them to take it to the zoo. 

Didn’t see them the rest of the day.

Next day, they show up again with the pig and it has a bow tie and top hat on.  I say, “I thought I told y’all to take that thing to the zoo.”





“We did. He had such a good time that we’re taking him to Six Flags.”

Well? Did you hear how it went at 6 flags?

[Kaos]

During Biden's State of the Union speech last night, his handlers caught him leering out into the crowd. They tried to follow his gaze and figure out what was drawing his attention. It looked like he was focused on Lauren Boebert sitting amongst the spectators.   

When he staggered off the stage, his handler sidled up next to him and whispered "Mr. President, it's not a good idea for you to be ogling 37 year olds from the podium. Try to be careful about that." 

Biden immediately perked up.  "There were thirty of them?"

[Snakebite]

Coffee cups are no longer being supplied in major cities for fear of being mugged.

[Snaggletiger]

It's been months since I bought the book, How To Scam People Online.

It still hasn't arrived.

[Kaos]

I was going to donate blood but they just ask too many questions.

Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket? 

[Snakebite]

I have a few butt jokes I could put on here, but they’re pretty shitty.

[Snaggletiger]

My neighbor says his dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.

That seems a bit far-fetched to me.

[Snaggletiger]

The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing.

In fact, it's Dublin.

[Snakebite]

I refuse to eat German sausage. It is the wurst.

[Snaggletiger]

I was tardy coming to work at the Electrician Company.

My boss said, "Wire you insulate."