Bad jokes

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #180 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:55:11 PM »

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #181 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:59:11 PM »

The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell is she talking about?

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #182 on:** October 30, 2014, 05:16:46 PM »

1 - Never Squat with your Spurs on.
2 - Never slap a Man who's Chewing Tobacco.
3 - Never kick a Cow Chip on a Hot Day.
4 - There are 2 Theories to arguing with a Woman & Neither works.
5 - Never miss a Good Chance to Shut Up.
6 - Always drink Upstream from the Herd.
7 - If you find yourself in a Hole, 'Stop Digging.
8 - The quickest way to Double Your Money is to Fold It & put it Back Into Your Pocket.
9 - There are 3 kinds of men: The 1s that Learn By Reading. The Few who Learn By Observation. The Rest Of Them have to Pee On The Electric Fence & Find It Out For Themselves.
10 - Good Judgment comes from Experience & a lot of that comes from Bad Judgment.
11 - If you're riding Ahead Of The Herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure It's Still There.
12 - Lettin' the Cat Outta The Bag is a whole lot easier'n Puttin' It Back In.
13 - ABOUT GROWING OLDER: FIRST ~ Eventually you will reach a Point when you Stop Lying About Your Age & Start Bragging About It.
14 - SECOND ~ The Older We Get, the Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.
15 - THIRD ~ Some People try to turn back Their Odometers. I rather want people to know Why I Look This Way. I've traveled a Long Way & some of the Roads weren't paved.
16 - FOURTH ~ When you are Dissatisfied & would like to go back to Your Youth, Think Of Algebra.
17 - FIFTH ~ You know you are Getting Old when Everything either Dries Up or Leaks.
18 - SIXTH ~ I don't know how I got Over The Hill without getting to the Top.
19 - SEVENTH ~ 1 of the Many Things no 1 tells you about Aging is that it's Such A Nice Change from Being Young.
20 - EIGHTH ~ 1 must wait until Evening to see how splendid The Day Has Been.
21- NINTH ~ Being Young is Beautiful, but Being Old is Comfortable & Relaxed.
22 - TENTH ~ Long Ago, when men Cursed & beat the Ground with Sticks, it was called Witchcraft. Today it's called Golf.
23 - ELEVENTH ~ If you don't learn to Laugh at Trouble, you won't have Anything to Laugh At when You're Old.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #183 on:** October 30, 2014, 05:22:01 PM »

The wife and I were sitting on the couch when she asked, "What's on TV?"

Dust

Then the fight started.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #184 on:** October 30, 2014, 05:23:12 PM »

Our anniversary was coming up and my wife excitedly said, "For our anniversary, I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds."

So I bought her a bathroom scale.

Then the fight started.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #185 on:** October 30, 2014, 05:33:16 PM »

Clint Mosley.

GH2001 · « **Reply #186 on:** October 31, 2014, 12:29:17 PM »

Quote from: dallaswareagle on October 30, 2014, 05:16:46 PM

3 - Never kick a Cow Chip on a Hot Day.

Been there, done that - on my grandfather's farm as a young un. Never did it again. Lesson learned for a life time at a young age.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #187 on:** November 12, 2014, 08:34:03 AM »

Not really a joke, but funny.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #188 on:** November 19, 2014, 12:53:38 PM »

An Irishman's first drink with his son . . .

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories

came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guiness Stout. He didn't like it â€“ so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #189 on:** December 17, 2014, 08:45:57 AM »

When 4 of Sana's Elves got sick, the Trainee Elves did not produce Toys as fast as the Regular Elves. Santa was beginning to feel the Pre-Christmas Pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa, Her Mother was coming to visit, which Stressed Santa even more.

When he went to Harness the Reindeer, he found that 3 of them were About To Give Birth & 2 Other had Jumped The Fence, out to Heaven Knows Where.

Then, when he began to Load The Sleigh, 1 of the Floor Boards cracked. the Toy Bag fell to the ground & All The Toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the House for a Cup Of Apple Cider & a Shot Of Rum. When he went to the Cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had drank up all of the Cider & Hid The Liquor.

In His Frustration, he accidentally Dropped The Cider Jug & it Broke into hundreds of Little Glass Pieces, All Over The Kitchen Floor. He went to get the Broom & found that the Mice had eaten all of the Straw off of the End of the Broom.

Just then, the Door Bell Rang & An Irritated Santa marched to the Door, yanking it open. There stood a Little Angel with a Great Big Christmas Tree.

The Angel said Very Cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a Lovely Day? I have a Beautiful Tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it"?

So, began the Tradition of the Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree.

Not Too Many People knew this.

chinook · « **Reply #190 on:** December 17, 2014, 09:17:30 AM »

Quote from: dallaswareagle on December 17, 2014, 08:45:57 AM

When 4 of Sana's Elves got sick, the Trainee Elves did not produce Toys as fast as the Regular Elves. Santa was beginning to feel the Pre-Christmas

tl;dr

GH2001 · « **Reply #191 on:** December 17, 2014, 10:19:24 AM »

Holy indenting and formatting batman.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #192 on:** December 17, 2014, 10:32:16 AM »

Quote from: GH2001 on December 17, 2014, 10:19:24 AM

Holy indenting and formatting batman.

Yes. Technology doesn't help much, in instances where there are glaring deficiencies in basic grammar.

Kaos · « **Reply #193 on:** December 17, 2014, 10:36:59 AM »

Quote from: GH2001 on December 17, 2014, 10:19:24 AM

Holy indenting and formatting batman.

Somebody went to the Prowler school of random capitalization.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #194 on:** December 17, 2014, 10:56:37 AM »

Quote from: Kaos on December 17, 2014, 10:36:59 AM

Somebody went to the Prowler school of random capitalization.

now That's fuNNy right tHere.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #195 on:** December 17, 2014, 11:08:05 AM »

my Copy and pAste daYs ARE over.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #196 on:** December 17, 2014, 11:51:55 AM »

Quote from: dallaswareagle on December 17, 2014, 11:08:05 AM

my Copy and pAste daYs ARE over.

Don't you let them shame you out of that guilty pleasure. You keep on coppaging that pasta.

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #197 on:** December 17, 2014, 12:01:03 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on December 17, 2014, 11:51:55 AM

Don't you let them shame you out of that guilty pleasure. You keep on coppaging that pasta.

No, I don't wanna play anymore.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #198 on:** December 17, 2014, 12:24:40 PM »

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #199 on:** December 17, 2014, 01:11:03 PM »

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, â€œWhere should I put my pants?"

â€œOver there by mine,â€ was not the answer I was expecting.