This just in – Another black eye for the Auburn Tigers. Apparently, their coaching staff has cultivated an environment harmful to innocent animals. In addition to drugs, prostitution, and guns, the Auburn football players have taken part in a new game they invented known as “Squirreling.” It involves catching innocent squirrels – baby squirrels earn you extra points – and twisting them like a wet towel until their innards pop out of both ends. We have pictures of this event that confirms their despicable participation in such a game, but we will not show them to you. Ever. They’re simply too gruesome.
PETA has been notified and will be putting together a very large protest outside of Jordan-Hare Stadium every Saturday in the Fall. PETA organizer Patience Aurora said, “We will not stand by quietly and allow these people to get away with this. We will make sure the world knows that Auburn tortures animals for fun.”
When reached for comment, Jay Jacobs was unavailable to speak to us, but his receptionist did mention something about eagles and a veterinary clinic, which we interpreted to be cryptic code for sadistic torture chambers for other animals.
How many animals are involved? How long has this gone on at Auburn University? What can be done to stop these nefarious evildoers that are plaguing college football? Will Auburn ever learn its lesson?
Tune in this week to E!60 as more is revealed about this story. Also on E!60, Cyrus Kouandjio, a big man with a lot of love. See how he cares for his pet parakeet while putting in extra workouts to become a possible #1 overall pick in the 2014 NFL Draft.
Read the real story.