Countdown to Football

59 Days

In 15 days, we will begin hearing three days worth of coach-speak that will be nitpicked and critiqued.

Here’s a preview of what you may hear on the SEC West side:

Nick Saban – “This is the 5th year in my 5 year program.  Do you know how talented my teams are during my 5th year?  Every position on this squad is loaded.  Every coaching spot is well trained.  The secretaries know the intricate details of the process.  The fans have expectations through the roof and rightfully so.  Just look at my 5th year at LSU.  Do you know how perfect that team was?  All it takes is one person to screw it up, and I dare you to name that one person that can screw this up.”

Gene Chizik – “This is it.  We’re all in with faith and family.  Families go through rough times and good times.  Sometimes you don’t even know what to expect at the family dinner.  Sometimes it’s good with BBQ pork or grilled shrimp.  Sometimes it’s pot roast.  But either way, your grandma’s cooking it and your grandfather’s saying the family prayer before the meal.  Which is why it’s good.  Faith.  Family.  All in.  All the time.”

Bobby Petrino – “We’re going to throw the ball.  We’re going to run it some.  We’re going to play half assed defense.  What the hell else do you expect from me after all of these years?”

Les Miles – “The grass is going to be a bit green this year, but that’s okay because we have the soil to grow into a special vine capable of producing special fruit.  Two seeds fell in the road.  One was trampled upon while the other was cultivated naturally by Mother Earth.  We are the trampled upon.  But we also have a friend in Mother Earth, and we have communion with her to ensure her good graces.”

Houston Nutt – “The the the the quarterback thing was you know not all that it was cracked up to be.  Masoli was kind of like ravioli ya know?  Filled with good stuff but soft and slimy on the outside.  We’ll get that fixed.  We’ve got the special kids on our team.  It’ll be just fine.  Just fine.”

Dan Mullen – “We were ‘this’ close last year.  And we’re putting it together.  I’ll tell you what, if we could have just landed a few more recruits in the last class, I’d guarantee an undefeated season.  But considering, we’re going to have to work hard for what we earn this year.  But that undefeated season was so close.  ‘This’ close.  My book will be out soon. It’ll explain everything.”

Here’s the SEC East:

Will Muschamp – “No, I’m not going to get the ‘boom’ going like I did as a coordinator.  I’ll have to be a bit more calm.  But don’t worry.  I’ll still have excitement.  I mean, when a defensive end sheds his block and blind sides the quarterback breaking his collar bone, I might let out a little – ‘boom!’ – when it happens.  You know, when the linebacker fills the hole and clobbers a running back into the ground on 3rd and 1, I’ll probably let out a – (bangs fist on table) ‘Boom!!’  When the cornerback blankets the receiver and then turns his hips just in time to pick it off and claim that ball as his, I’ll (punches his own head) ‘BOOM!!!’ one good time.  When the strong safety dives head first into the facemask of a crossing receiver, I’ll, uh, uh, well BOOM MOTHERF****R YOU F***ING KNOCK THAT MOTHERF****R OUT!  Anyways, about the offense.  Um, I guess we’ll have one.  I don’t really care.”

Mark Richt – “We’ll try to beat Auburn, Georgia Tech, and Florida.  Will that be enough?  How are we going to do it?  Well, a vanilla pro style offense that lets the quarterback make good decisions on the play action pass that’s been set up by the run.  Defense?  I guess we’ll have one.”

Joker Phillips – “‘Kentucky football?’  Was that a joke?  Oh you were just joking because my name’s Joker, right?  You probably have something to say about how we’re really just a basketball school and how Calamari is getting paid $40 million and how I’m paid hourly.  Is that it?  What did you say then?  Yeah.  Repeat your question to me.  Repeat it slowly, and I’ll repeat it back to you slowly just to make sure we’re on the same page.  ‘How-is-the-football team-looking-this-year-at-Kentucky?’  You did it again, didn’t ya?  Kentucky football.  You making a joke?”

Steve Spurrier – “Well, you know Garcia’s a good athlete, but he’s just going to have to make better decisions.  The guys around him get it done.  I’m getting it done.  Lattimore, special player, real special player.  It’s just on Garcia.  If he comes through, we’ll have a pretty good squad.  How’s Tennessee doing this year?  Is this their year?  Oh really?  Oh that’s too bad.”

Derek Dooley – “It’s operation Vols Freedom.  Volunteer Storm.  SEC War III.  And I’m the general.  If the other schools are going to use biological warfare (cough)Miles, I can’t help that.  We aren’t going to battle that way.  Hey did you all know my last name’s Dooley?”

James Franklin – “It’s a cyclical process to which we aspire to effectuate.  The efficacy of our program relies on the will and determination of our constituents.  The Southeastern Conference has bestowed the divine right of kings to some of its members.  We hope to join those who are sacerdotal – what is it you ask of me?  Why do I speak this way as a football coach?  We sellin’ Vandy as the Stanford of tha South now, ya hear?  You seen my recruiting rankins as of right now?  Tell me how my ass tastes.  Tell me.  You can’t cuz you too short, right chump?  You punk ass…Anyways.  As I ponder the existence of man….”

59 Days

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