Change Of Heart

hindenburg

By: Chizad

When I heard the news on Saturday morning that Auburn had chosen Gene Chizik as its next head coach, I was devastated. How could we have let a future legend like Tuberville go due to a 5 win season, and then replace him with a guy who has a 5 win career as head coach?

This was bad. This was as devastating and catastrophic as September 11th or Pearl Harbor.

I mean…scratch that. A little over the top? Of course it is. What kind of insensitive prick would compare college football to those horrific events in American history? A comment like that could only come from a soulless heartless bastard of epic proportions.

Let’s go with Hindenburg. It was like the Hindenburg of Auburn football.

At least that’s what I thought on Saturday.

Chizik is proving me wrong. And it’s not often that I admit being completely wrong with such joy and enthusiasm.

Tuberville and I have been going through a rough patch. It’s no secret that our relationship was growing stale. We had some great times together, but the spark was leaving us.

Suddenly Chizik walks into my life. I refuse at first. I even resent him initially for even thinking he could be half the man that I had grown accustomed to in Tuberville. It didn’t take nearly as long as I had anticipated for me to give in to his charm. He has already made some pretty steamy comments that have gotten me hot and bothered in ways that Tuberville just hadn’t been able to do for me in quite some time. Comments about how Auburn is returning to smash mouth football. Comments about how cleats will be getting dirty.

I love it when you talk dirty, Gene.

And I’m not the only one easily seduced by his game.  Chizik rushed through the press conference in which he was named head coach and literally headed straight from the podium to Prattville: Home of threepeat 6A state champions and other assorted badasses such as myself. The prospects reportedly swooned.

Similar visits in high schools from Mobile to Fort Valley, Georgia as well as living rooms across Alabama and surrounding states took place in this short time frame as well. How could he be in so many places in such a short amount of time? Not only be present, but making such a great impression?

I now believe Gene Chizik to be a killing machine sent from the future to destroy our SEC rivals. It is the only logical explanation.chizikator

The state media will have you believe that Chizik couldn’t possibly outrecruit Nick Saban based on each coach’s past records. Perhaps these recruits aren’t making their decisions based on the past, but rather the future. He has shown them a glimpse of a bleak future in which Saban has destroyed all that is good and decent in the college football world. A world where everyone turns a blind eye to recruiting violations. A world where his minions can no longer be restrained from their cocaine cartels, but instead are headbutting their way through police cruiser’s rear windows to escape from police custody.

Chizik is on an adrenaline drenched quest to assemble the resistance rebel alliance that can put an end to this doomsday scenario.

“Eltoro Freeman? Come with me if you want to live.”

At this rate, it won’t be long before every recruit who decommitted after the Tuberville resignation is saying “I’ll be back.”

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